been awhile....

well.. its been awhile, once again since i wrote anything in here.. I thought about writing a few times now, but honestly.. just really tired of writing.

Yesterday was rather eventful. I've been getting myself out there walking daily now, at least for a few hours a day. Been feeling a lot better with myself. Which is nice, since it was desperately needed.

well.. today .. yesterday rather, started out as a nice day, I planned to head up to the trails, then realized that may not be one of the best ideas. with the mud and all.
I made a pit stop in one of the stores, and checked out some perfumes, mmmmmm...
by the time i got outta the store, I noticed the stupid black clouds rolling in, and the wind was getting pretty bad.. so home I went!

I cut through the school field, and ended up falling through the snow.. didn't seem like much of an issue, i managed to get out fairly easy. Knee was a bit sore on the walk home, nothing too dreadful.

I fell asleep for awhile, woke up with some serious pain, Muscles have been pulled, knee is swelling, and my knee is feeling pretty stiff at the moment.

Not much of an ideal day for me. I found humor in it as it happened. I was also recording a video when I fell through. watched it, thought it was comical in a sense.. Well.. NOT ANY more... ouch !

Gonna be off my feet for awhile. Thankfully its the weekend, and I'm hoping by Monday, things will be well enough again.

My life's weakness

I feel weak... i feel as if I'm going to be sick.. I can feel the panic in me taking over, I cannot seem to stop shaking. I can only stop crying long enough to wipe away the tears, only for fresh tears to fall down my face.

Why did I have to check my email? I hate checking my email, I'm always in fear of finding that one email. It terrifies me at the thought of finding one, but to log in and see a new message awaiting from Dave.

Even something as simple as a possible act of kindness can send my world crashing down, he wants my address. My address so he can send me some of my personal belongings he found. Should I trust it? I have every reason to be in fear, and not trust it.

This is the man who tore my heart out multiple times, and are holding my children hostage, this is a man who ripped my children away from me, and fled the province, a man who hates me, is angry and has very little care for me or my family. Why should I trust his intentions, no matter how kind they are?

I don't have a lawyer yet. I still have had no word from legal services on being able to locate a lawyer for me, I'm not ready for court, I'm not ready to face him in court yet. If he's planning to take legal action, it could be devastating to my plans, it could be disastrous just as my last court appearance this past summer.

On the flip side, I will have his address then. But its still not enough at the price of not being prepared to meet in courts. I do hope, this out reach from him, is truly an attempt at an act of kindness. But who can blame me for questioning it? I'm doing the right thing, I hope, in protecting myself and even though it will take longer, I believe this is in the best interest for myself.

.... I am doing the right thing, right?

Tangled up in you

well well... things have been busy and tiring the last few days, which would explain the lack of posts.

Still haven't heard from Hazelton regarding a lawyer for myself. I did speak with the lady, and she had already put in a few calls already to a few lawyers within town here. which is actually confusing, since I didn't think there was a family lawyer within town..? or at least that's what I was told last summer. Perhaps there's been a change in that since?

I actually don't have anything I want to say... anything I need to say, rather. Writing about the things I've been going through have been beneficial, in ways that will help me try and make sense of the situation, so if I'm down, I'll write.

Writing has always helped relax me, get my thoughts together, and I could do it without feeling judged, because there is no one here to judge me. I'm sure everyone has felt some of this, at the very least once or twice. Most just aren't as open with it, I suppose.

I would like to keep writing often though, because honestly, I don't like the idea of writing just for the reason that i'm down. I'd like to be able to look back one day and remember the better parts as well. I suppose we all should be doing that.

Its easier to look down upon the worst, yet for some reason, not many of us embrace the beauty of the days when we have great moments or a great day, maybe simply for someone smiling at us, or saying hello, or having that great cup of coffee you've been craving.

Ah yes, Tomorrow I'm getting my coffee, I wanted to go today, but now I'm just tired, and its getting colder, so tomorrow it is.
I want to start walking more again. I need to find the motivation to kick my ass in gear for that one. Need to stop making excuses to not go. or tell myself its such a drag walking here.

I love walking, I enjoy it, I love being "out" so I'm going to start forcing myself to get back into walking now that winter is coming to an end. It'll be nice and refreshing ...

I came across a song, that I completely fell in love with. Its a soothing, relaxing, song, that just seems to hit you. well. alright, at least me. I love his voice! xx

Another day done

Well, I think its safe to say, I'm over my "pity party" phase. I swear, if anyone is reading this, they'll think I'm an Emotional basket case. If you do, don't worry, I've had to stop myself and really think about that too.

I've started getting things in order, I've decided its time to stop feeling sorry for myself, and stop wishing things to happen. I can't expect it all to happen on its own, but come on, lets face it, the idea is nice, right?

But no, I have to make it happen, and I have to stop living on the hopes and dreams, its time i start accepting my reality, and stop hiding from it. I know I can do this, maybe not going off of my strengths, rather my stubbornness.

There still remain 4 things, Alright, lets say 5 things in this life that I want at this moment. Everything is in question right now, and its just something i need to accept, rather then beating myself down.

I'm tired of losing myself to the darker side of myself. My thoughts become completely irrational, I hurt myself constantly through the nights and days, thoughts won't stop, fears take over, and I always live through the worst of things, without them even happening, I question myself all the time, and my worth, because of past mistakes.

Its such a dark, lonely place to be.. Not somewhere I want to be. Thankfully, despite my past feelings, and beliefs, I am stronger than I give myself credit for. Just sometimes, I lose that faith in myself, but with everything I've been going through, who can honestly blame me?

Things are going well so far.. two days filled with getting things set up and moving again. So far, I'm off to a good start, and this start, is where I will stay, and let it progress slowly and move on as time goes on ..

Im feeling good, I'm feeling happy, I'm some what hopeful, and slowly moving out of where ever it was that i was

No one's what they appear to be

I'm starting to learn, some of the worst moments in my life can be a blessing in disguise. And I know I've sat around feeling sorry for myself for too long. Especially in the last few weeks, because I was caught up in the fears, the memories and the sadness of everything that has happened and happening.

I'm probably one of the worst who will make up excuses, and who will allow my pain & fears control me. For as long as I can remember, I've been a very troubled girl. Just like everyone, I have my own personal battles. I fall often, and I talk myself down. I let everything bad get the best of me.

Why does my life suck? why can't I just be happy? What did I do that was so terribly wrong for all these horrible things to keep happening. These are just a few of some of the most painful questions that run through my head. Other times, my lack of self confidence drowns me in a pool of misery.

Many people who know me, do not see the real me, they don't understand the pain I feel each and every day, throughout the entire day, I've perfected being able to mask the sadness & the tears with a laugh, or a smile. I hide my weaknesses with the illusion that I didn't care.

I've spent the last 3 years working towards getting myself well. And for the most part, I think i've done real damn well in accomplishing this. I never let it go to my head though. I know there is still so much i need to focus on and work on.


-You push them away, hurt them and make them feel like shit. Then, you keep asking " why does my life suck no one cares about me". Its not that no one does, you just make people feel horrible for caring.

These were spoken to me a few days back now..and honestly, I cannot blame the person for saying this. I can't argue the statement, nor do I want to justify it. I can't. so I won't. I do this.. I know I do. I've known for years now, this is what I do. Its not someting I purposely do, its not something I willfully do...

More often then not, I will find myself struggling, fighting with myself against how I feel, and what I know. Maybe some people would be surprised to learn just how deep my personal insecurities will go. But they are there. I feel as if everything that goes wrong, is my fault. Perhaps that's from being blamed for a lot of things growing up. I was an extremely sensitive child. and very timid.

The life style and family history from both sides are tragic ones, filled with Residential schools, Wars, & Alcoholism. I don't blame my family for the wrongs they may have done. I finally know now, we're only able to give what we have, and succeed with what we know. Which you would think to be common sense, but through the eyes of a child, its not so common.

I have many sad stories that could lead up to contributing to the struggles I have today. I don't resent them, I don't hate them, I'm not angry because of them. Because eventually, I know the road will rise up to meet me, and I will be a better, stronger person for this.

I'm grateful for those who have stood by me, I'm thankful for those who believed in me when I could not. And I'm terribly sorry for those who I pushed away, shut out, or hurt. I have no excuses, I will not justify my actions or anything I've said. Its not easy, going through what I am either. I don't seek pity, I don't seek hurt..

I know many of the thoughts I've been having are completely ridiculous, and I'm only bringing it upon myself, but it still doesn't change that this is how i feel. I'm not stupid. I know these are just things that are manifested from my pain, my hurt, fears and insecurities.

I'm not gonna sit around anymore. I can't afford to. I can't afford to waste my time in letting the fear and hurt guide me. I need my life back, and I deserve it. I deserve to move on, I deserve to be happy. I know I can be... It just takes time, patience and work... I do feel some what ashamed that I can slip so far down into that dark, lonely hole, that can cripple a person. But I still do. I'm only human... I make mistakes, I learn from them, and I move on. Its time to stop telling myself I can't. Or I'm too scared, Its time to stop making excuses ... I don't enjoy it, I never have, and I've been aware of all this since my late teens. and here I am. about 10 years later, still struggling to get it right.

I Will Never Forget

Valentines Day some how managed to quickly creep up on me, yet.... at the same time, it feels like it took enternity for this day to come.

I am not happy, I am far from happy. I have been filled with memories, both good and bad in the last few weeks as the days drew near. The memories do not leave my mind. The empty, dark, lonely feeling does not leave my heart.

I remember the days I was happy. I remember the days my life made sense. I remember when I felt as if I had a purpose. Tears fall down my cheeks & I wish I could have even just some of that sense of stability back.

I'm not exactly sure why it is this day bothers me, when the last 3 years have not so much as mattered. But this year, does. Logically, I cannot come up with a reason. My thoughts are still scattered, my heart feels dark & heavy.

8 years ago, I celebrated my first Valetines Anniversary with a man who I loved more than I could express. I know, I know, its some what corny, and we always kinda laughed at it ourselves, but it was still our day, and we loved each other immensely.

We had our troubles, the odds were against us from the start. But love carried us through. Through the pain, the tears, and the heart breaks, one thing always remained, and that was our love for each other.

He loved me, just as much as I loved him, I had no doubt, and when doubt creeped in, I would looked into his eyes, and every doubt I may have had, melted away.

When two people end their marriage, most times, everyone around you that knew you both, will only see the bad... People find it to be their oppertunity to tell you he/she wasn't good for you, perhaps it is best this way.

Friends & Family will be by your side, to help you through the tears, pain & sadness. And for awhile, everything seems to be 'normal', you've started getting yourself back on track, and you're making a life style change.. hopefully its for the better. Well.. in my case, I've invested three years into changing and bettering myself.

For awhile, I thought I was doing well. Even through the pain of still wanting him. I missed him, and still loved him. I lived on hopes & dreams that one day, we could once again be together. As time slowly went by, I learned to accept the reality, and the possibility that Dave & I will no longer be Dave & I again. Time marched on, and my emotions started changing, my thoughts began to change.

I finally seen just what everyone told me previously, This is probably for the best. It was a hard pill to swallow. I mean, how could it not be? I invested 5 years with this man, I gave up my Friends & my Family to be with him, I stood by him faithfully has he battled his mental illness. I gave him everything I had...

I don't regret the years together, I don't regret giving up my life to be with him. despite the pain and sorrow, I did love him, and he did make me happy. Problem was, we had our own personal baggage that helped crumble our relationship & our family.

It was just one of those tragic love stories I suppose. If we had the strength to face our own issues, and work at bettering ourselves then, We would have a happy, healthy life together. We would still be a family, We would still have each other.

For years, I have shared stories, tears and heartaches from my life with Dave. Today, on Valentines Day, a day that SHOULD have been our 8th Anniversary, I remember the love we once shared. I could tell you just as many heart warming stories as I could share in the bad.

I still love him. & I miss so many of the times we shared together. I miss my Best Friend. Because thats who he was, He was my Best Friend. Even if you do not understand, this is how I feel. I cannot hate, I cannot blame. I do not regret, and I will never forget.

The Reality is..

I messed up, I messed up really bad, and I feel nothing. I'm empty, I'm beyond tears. nothing hurts anymore, and all I can do is sit, shake my head and tell myself, this is just what happens when I give a shit. Its what happens when i actually dare to care, love and wish.

I can't express myself properly without it blowing up in my face right now. Everything I try saying, comes out all wrong, and I don't even know the difference because I can't seem to function properly right now.

People ask me how I'm feeling, & when I was as honest as I fear to be, it fell apart right before my eyes. I haven't written in my blog for days, because I can't seem to get anything out, and any time i managed anything, my mind told me no, that's just screwed up, it doesn't make sense, and I don't wanna admit to all that shit.

The only person who I've been able to be completely honest with, wants nothing to do with me, and I have no one to blame but my self.

Some of my greatest fears are acknowledging my insecurities, my fears & darkest thoughts & feelings. When I get to this state of mind, my thoughts always fall back to my life that I spent with Dave. The years of torment I endured.. The years of tears I spilled because I was young, and I was completely inexperienced when it came to living with someone with a mental illness.

I take notice to the similarities of myself & Dave, and it terrifies me to no end that perhaps there is something seriously wrong with me. Can I really be that messed up? Is that something that I would be willing to admit to?

I'm forever desperately reaching for logic through my irrationalism, because unlike many people who walk this Earth with deep troublesome lives, I know where my faults lie. I know what I do to protect myself because I honestly cannot deal with the hurt. My heart is soft, and my heart is sensitive. Its not made to hurt, its made to love.

I accept the responsibilities to my wrong doings. Many don't realize who I truly am underneath the laughs, the smiles, & the jokes. My heartaches, and some of the darkest, loneliest, most desperate thoughts & fears swim through my mind.

I beat myself up because I have spent years struggling to over come these irrational, crippling thoughts & fears. I have put myself through support groups & self help programs, I have seen many counselors, and life coaches. I spent years observing my mother's hard efforts with her career of being a counselor.

I know how I feel, and i fight myself through the entire day wishing these feelings would just disappear. Its as though I have an angel and a devil perched on my shoulders...

I know many of my fears are irrational, I know there is no justifying the hurt i may cause people. I don't blame & I don't want to hurt anyone. I will sooner put on a smile, and laugh the tears away then to tell someone how I truly feel. Because I tell myself, how can they possibly understand. How can they help?

I'm scared to honestly open up to anyone, because I don't want to lose anyone again. But I have to laugh, because I do anyway, there is always one person who I end up hurting, and I have no one to blame but myself.

- You push them away, hurt them and make them feel like shit. Then, you keep asking " why does my life suck no one cares about me". Its not that no one does, you just make people feel horrible for caring.

Was one thing that was said to me earlier last night. And I broke down and cried, because everything in that paragraph is true. I learned years ago, this is what I do.

Not because I want to, not because I want to be a bitch, but because I live in fear of something greater happening if I allow someone to care. I know I'm not perfect, I know I screw up, I know I can make some of the worst choices based on my fears and insecurities. I don't expect anyone to understand...

I tell myself, no one cares, I tell myself there's no possible way anything great can be real, because I'm scared to believe in something real. I'm scared to let the good in, it has nothing to do with not wanting it, I'm truly scared that if I do, that will be another loss i have to soon deal with.

So the darker side of me drills it into my mind that I was a fool to believe in something, to wish for something, to dare to want something greater.

I'm aware of this. and someone may feel I sit here, feeling sorry for myself, and asking myself, why does my life suck? Thats where I have to say, You are wrong.
I'm fighting myself every second of the way, telling myself, to snap outta of it, because this isn't so. I know where my faults lie, and I do not take them lightly.

If there is one thing, anyone can truly understand about me is, I don't blame anyone anymore for the misery in my life. I don't blame people because I've been able to convince myself no one cares ...

I'm insecure, I'm scared, I'm hurt, and in so many ways, I'm still a child and when I can calm myself long enough to take a look at my feelings, I can break it down and look at my situation at every possible angle on a sensible philosophical approach..

Yesterday was a really bad day, and I completely fell apart... I met for a second time yesterday, my new counselor, Christine. I was forced to focus in on some of the worst moments of my life, past, present and future. I was emotionally drained and couldn't cope..

For days, my mind has been buried in a clouded fog. my eyes are vacant, there is no real smile, my heart has been aching and tears always streaming down my face...
I am walking through my days in a haze, and it scares me, because I've been through this once before, and the pain is so severe...

I don't feel anything right now. I'm numb...

Get used to it already !

Once again, I feel as though I have once again, successfully screwed everything up. For months, I have been fighting to find a way to "Let go" ... for months i have been beating myself up to "move on" ...

I don't know how. I don't know what I'm left to do. Everything in me, and everything in front of me tells me, I have to let him go. I have to smile and walk away. And that's hurting me more than I could ever even begin to describe.

I love him. And I've considered my feelings. I've considered the reality. I love him. I love him so much, I would give up everything, to take a chance. ... Almost, I would almost give up everything. I have two girls on this Earth, who mean everything to me. There is nothing on this Earth that will make me give up my Children. I will not ever turn my back and walk away from them. Even if it meant my life.

I know, that if it were not for those two girls, I wouldn't have a problem walking away. Even if by some chance, it never would have worked if we had an honest, decent chance at making something. At least I could have walked away and moved on with my life KNOWING, I took that chance. A chance that scares the hell out of me. I could have known....

I love him. and its killing me knowing I need to walk away. How does someone willingly walk away from something so real like this?! Its making me angry, its making me bitter.. Its reinforcing every fear I've had because of what the outcome would be.

We couldn't be together. I knew the impossibilities of what our reality was, but I still let my guard down, and I allowed my heart to go. Why do people tell you to listen to your heart. I listened to my heart, look at what its gotten me.

I don't regret him. I don't regret any of the relationship, before and after. But I do feel as if this is my fault... I feel like I've just let myself down once again. and I feel as though I may have let him down too.. If I actually do matter, the way he says I do.

I am pretty screwed up, Aren't I?! I can't truly believe anyone, not because i have so little faith in humanity. I have no faith in life. I have no faith in myself, so how could anyone truly care about me!? Why the hell would I matter?! I look into the mirror every day, and I'm completely disgusted.. And I'm sad, because at the same time, I don't see anything. I don't see anyone of worth.

....... I'm mad...I'm sad.... I'm scared... I'm hurt... Im very, very hurt. ... This is just my life. Right? Get used to the pain.?! get used to the disappointment.?! get used to the god damn heart break already. ?!!

Ardee I know that I love you

I've been walking back and forth going stuff. I see your picture and stop. Looking at how proud and happy you are.
Your happiness. I felt so overwhelmed with love and pride. Ardee I know that I love you, because I couldn't feel this looking at that image of you if there was nothing. I hope you see that. You can do whatever you set out to do. Whatever that might be. You're Beautiful
♥♥♥ Dave

If you don't understand why I still feel the love & sadness I do... Please just respect how I feel. Be supportive. I'm trying to work my way through my many different emotions... He is still one of them, and its never easy, once you have given your life to someone. You've trusted someone, and given your heart to someone.

We've had our problems, we may have fought every day, but beneath it all, I know there was love there. Everyone may not have been able to see it, but I know it was there... There was a deep connection for us, and in a lot of ways, we understood each other without even so much as realizing it.

For a few years, I thought I dealt with my ... Lets call it "Dave Suit Case" ... I accept the end of our relationship, and I started working towards my Codependency issues, and in all honestly... I still believe I need to work on this later too.

There is so much I have accomplished, and I look back now, and I see how badly I've allowed myself to slip back into this negative rut...

I don't want to hurt anymore & I just wish someone would come along, and help me regain some form of faith. I have little to no trust for anyone.. I don't want to continue feeling this way, I don't want to continue to fear someone or something because I would like to move on with my life. I know I deserve to live again.

But for now, that dream is buried under insecurities, fears and haunted memories. I suppose we shall see where time takes me.

Sadness in the most unexpected places

Ardee says (10:30 PM):
*Wifey... Can I ask you a question?
Wifey says (10:31 PM):
*o; yes
Ardee says (10:31 PM):
*I've been going through a lot of things in the last few days... My emotions have been up and down.. for many different reasons... I'm sad a lot lately...
Wifey says (10:33 PM):
*aww wifey :( had a feeling something was wrong cos ive not seen u around told hubby i been worried about you Hug
Ardee says (10:35 PM):
*For a few reasons... one being this month.. and Valentines coming up. Now.. its not so much Valentines it self that gets me down.. its the memory of what the day used to be.. Dave & I celebrated our Anni. on that day.. so i've been thinking about him a lot.. And I've been listening to this one song, that was ours... and it still effects me, deeply.. and it still means something.. I know, I paint Dave to be this asshole, because I bitch about the things he's done, and doing.. But in my heart, I still love him dearly... because I remember the good we shared... And a part of me feels I shouldn't. is that normal? he's hurt me worst than anyone in my life, and here i am. crying, because I miss him :/
Wifey says (10:37 PM):
*wifey i still cry over tony sometimes i gave my life to him for 7years so yes its normal even after what he did i still have days where i miss him Hug
Ardee says (10:39 PM):
*it just feels like I've gone crazy.. I know I've always loved him.. and I always said I'm always gonna... but this is just ridiculous..
Wifey says (10:40 PM):
*i do understand u fully i sometimes think after all what hes done why do i still even care but when u give ur life completly to someone u do always care no matter what they do too u
Ardee says (10:43 PM):
*I don't think anyone would understand. Everyone that knows Dave, hates him.. No one knew him the way i did... sure, we had problems. but he gave up a lot for me too.. he took good care of me. he was my best friend wifey ;z and i miss him
*I don't care about the relationship. I just miss my friend:(
Wifey says (10:56 PM):
*i do totally understand u wifey
*i guess when ur married u give more of urself to someone than if ur just in a relationship
Ardee says (11:02 PM):
*do we ever really let them go? people tell me to let him go, move on, I'm better off without him.. and maybe I am... But how do you let someone go?
Wifey says (11:04 PM):
*u do move on but they always have a piece of ur heart ... thats why i argue like crazy with tony if we speak i know if i dont i would let him close again and i cant do that
Ardee says (11:06 PM):
*maybe that's the problem Dave had... cause I thought maybe I was insane... but I seen the way he looked at me when we went out for dinner with the girls. I knew that look. and i thought i was just imagining it.. But I really think, he's doing all this, because he felt something again
Wifey says (11:06 PM):
*to hide it u make them think u hate them
Ardee says (11:09 PM):
*that's what I thought.. he's not stupid wifey... it ended because we were so wrong for each other with where we were in our lives. i made mistakes, and I've paid for them.. But i know he seen the changes :(
Wifey says (11:13 PM):
*everyone makes mistakes wifey its if people can be big enough to see past them
Ardee says (11:21 PM):
*I don't need him to forgive me anymore. I needed it so bad before... but now.. I don't need it.. i accepted long ago, we're over... but there's still this piece of me that thinks "What if things could be different" ... "What if we had a chance to rebuild everything" I promised myself, I would never get into that again. I wouldn't want to risk it.. But we were happy... & we loved each other dearly.. and even through the pain, and the hurt.. we always remained to love each other.. that says something...right? i mean.. I'm not wishing for him to show up and say "I love you" but... i dunno.. ya know what i mean? :S
Wifey says (11:25 PM):
*i do ... i wish that me and tony were not at each other throats b4 he started cheating he was the person i trusted most i woulda gave anything for him its that i miss ... there are 2 people i would do that for now and i not even met them
Ardee says (11:30 PM):
*what do you do when you miss him? because i still feel as if I shouldn't. I tell myself I need to move on, and start to live again. and i really don't know what stops me :/
Wifey says (11:32 PM):
*there is nothing u can do wifey ... i wish i could say there was missing someone is not a crime wifey u should let ur self then maybe you might not get so upset
*i used to punish my self for it but i dont anymore
Ardee says (11:37 PM):
*I feel as if i can't. so many people hate Dave.. and I feel.. after everything he's done. I should too.. I should be furious.. I should resent him for what he's done.. but I can't.. I feel sorry for him..

An attempt at expression

Today was a rather productive day. I met with this lady who's ... well.. She's a program coordinator ... She's suppose to help with Employment crap, and to be there for extra support to help me with all the extra crap I've dealt with.

I don't think many people understand the severity of how "beaten down" I feel. Its not a matter of not wanting to. Its a matter now of finding that motivation again to get up. I know I make excuses a lot now, But if someone could see, and understand the impact of these last 3 or 4 years, they would know its not easy to bounce back from.

Its hard finding that will to get up when your life is ripped from you, and your heart has been taken and run through the blender. I feel completely trapped, I feel as if I'm drowning. I look around, and I still don't see Anything that I remember I was. I find myself standing in the bathroom and I look into the mirror, and I wonder. Where am I ? What's happened to me? When did I lose myself?

I'm not happy with me at the moment. I'm not happy with many so called Friends. Nor am I happy with much of my "family". I'm feeling very bitter towards humanity and that's not like me, I know it's not. I go back to the mirror... I see myself, looking back at a person's shell who looks like me. I don't see the spark I once had. I don't see whatever beauty I once felt was there. I see these empty eyes, no soul, no happiness, no acceptance that this is me.

To everyone else, I may seem strong, I may seem like I have it together, but in all honestly, I don't. I have my break downs, I have moments where I go off and just cry, because everything looks & feels hopeless. I may be strong, I may have more to me than I believe. Sure.. I'll buy that. But at the same time, I'm only human, I have emotions, I have fears, I have insecurities, and I hurt just like the next person. I wish people would remember this when they say "you're stronger than you think" ... I'm grateful to have wonderful people who will support me, I am... But I would like them to also remember, I'm only human, and there is only so much a person can take before they break.

I hide my pain easily, I've gotten quite good at it. I've done it my entire life, its nothing new to me. I find it easier if no one knows. Because how could someone understand? Would it matter in the end anyway? I look at my family, I look at my Friends who I have known my entire life, and it doesn't matter.

I'm growing more and more apart from my maternal family. I haven't felt like I've "belonged" for many years now. I love them dearly, I do. And I will still do anything I can, to protect them. But I feel above them.. And there's this part of me, that feels guilty, for believing I'm better than they are. But on the flip side, I ask myself, What's wrong with that? Why can't I be "better" ? I'm not ashamed of my family. I understand now, why so many people, not just them, are the way they are. And its not their fault.


People do their best with what they have, and what they know. For many years, I always heard my Mother speak about "Breaking the cycles". And for so many years, I was only able to understand the alcoholism cycle. She stressed time and time again, she did not want that for her children. For she also chose, that wasn't going to be her life style either.

Now, years later, with two children of my own, I completely understand the wide depth of that one little statement. Behaviors, thoughts, choices in life.. Those are cycles too. And I believe, I've over come a lot of it, with ups and downs along the way, I believe I'm better than the life I grew up in. And that's something to not be ashamed of. I should be proud of it. And I am... I truly am proud of what I have accomplished, and I know there are many more changes yet to come.

But at this moment, I feel weak... I feel lost, I feel alone.. I'm scared. I'm terrified at the thought of being let down again. I'm Fragile, and I don't know if anyone can understand that. I don't even know if I understand that.

I find myself struggling with words now. My thoughts are all over the place. And most times, I have a hard time getting a sentence out. That's not really something common for me. I've always prided myself on being able to express myself in a way, that everyone can understand clearly, without me having to struggle to word it a way where I can help them see...

sigh... i think that's enough for now. I don't think my brain can take anymore of this uphill battle of words tonight.

My thoughts are scattered at the moment. I'm having a harder time expressing what it is I really want to say. Well, lets say, having a harder time expressing what it is I NEED to say.

Its like I have this mind set on what it is I have to do. And I tell myself, over and over again. You need to do this. There is no way around it. I cannot accept reality, when I know it's something I do not want. I cannot accept reality when I have this fear in me of always pushing on, only for it to keep blowing up in my face.

Maybe I'm just a coward. I don't know. But after years of being emotionally, and mentally beaten down, its not easy getting up again. Its not easy trying to believe in the greater good of the universe when everything has always been snatched from you. yeah, what does everyone think of that.. "Its called life. Suck it up and move on"

I resent myself for feeling as if all I do is make excuses for myself.. I won't deny I do.. I know I do.. And I'm not proud of it. But at the same time, I know there is only so much a person can take before everything becomes too much.

When you get to that point... Where do you go from there? Where do you go when you're scared to move, because you're tired of losing everything, You're tired of crying, you're tired of hurting, and you're scared its just going to end up like before, or worst.

What do you do when some of the only people you've ever been able to count & lean on become someone you really are scared to speak to? What do you do when you don't know what to do? What do you do when you don't even know how to explain how you feel?! What do you do when you don't understand?

Letting go so I can move on

Every once in awhile, I will find myself at a complete loss on everything. I can't seem to pin point a lot of where all my feelings have come from, I can't seem to grasp on to the reality of anything.

I went to meet a lady today, Christine was her name. Unfortunately. We mixed up our appointment times, and I was 30 minutes late.. eish... but we met, briefly went over some of the points that I feel I need help to address. Still can't say for sure if I'll feel comfortable enough to stay with her. But I'll give it a shot and see how things go.

My goal is, to start walking more again. I miss it really.. And I've gotten too lazy. So.. since it's been fairly warm lately. I went for my walk to the appointment, walked over to have some lunch, and walked back home again. Exciting huh?!

I did start thinking about many various of things though. Dave's been weighing on my mind, and in my heart lately. Mianly because of what this month symbolized for us while we were together. We decided to celebrate our Anniversary this month, on the 14th.... Valentines Day. Kinda corny, I know, but we were never totally sure when we really got together.

So, with all that is tugging at my thoughts, and emotions. One song constantly comes to mind. My Valentine, by Martina McBride.



It was a song, that I used on a website that I dedicated to him, our love, and our life. I remember tears streaming down his face as I showed him the page I had worked on. My Valentine was the song I had playing in the background of course. I remember when I first heard the song myself, I cried because it was so fitting for everything I wanted to say, and how I felt.

Many people have this imagine of Dave that he is a complete asshole, and they would be right. He is being a complete asshole. But despite all that, I know there is more to Dave than what they know from the stories I tell.

I almost feel bad for sharing some of the most god awful stories between us. I know I was never innocent in the relationship. I made mistakes, I hurt not just him, but our Daughters with a lot of the bullshit I was carrying around back then too.

Dave is one of the most complex people I have ever met. And despite the pain and suffering he's putting me through, I still cannot hate him. I do feel sorry for him. And I will forever love him. He brought many great things into my life, it wasn't just filled with anger, hate and spite. He took care of me.

Is it crazy, after all this time, and all we've been through since we finally called it quits, that I still miss him...? We had our problems, we had HUGE problems... Problems that tore us apart that was completely out of our control. I know how much he loved me. That I could never deny.

Maybe it's the dream that I miss.. I really don't know anything anymore. I look at my life, and I think "WOW!" My life is in need of some serious transformation. which means I need to cut a lot of things & people from my life. I need to focus on what's realistic, and what's not. its time i stop living in a fantasy world, where I pout because I again, am not getting what I want. Truth of it is, we don't always get what we want from life. I need to move on. I need to rebuild my life.

How do you say good bye to your hopes & dreams though? Should you ever let them go? How do you make the right decision? Your heart & mind tell you so many different things, and it just becomes a never ending back and forth.

Saddness clouds my heart. Tears blur my vision. Loneliness swallows me whole. I don't know what hurts more.. Knowing it will never be, or letting go to move on ....I can't keep pretending. Its not fair .... and it will only hurt me more in the long run.

This is the week, I start picking up and saying good bye to many people & things in my life.

Looking forward to Tuesday

Well, another day has come and gone. Had a nice day, over all. Got to watch the WWE Royal Rumble. Its been many years since I've watched a PPV. I'm sure it could have been better than what it was. But none the less, it was still fun to be able to sit and watch again.

I've managed to make it 49 hours without a smoke now. I'm probably irritating many with my constant "it's been this long now" excitement (haha) I'm quite impressed and baffled at the same time, honestly. it just seems so much harder now to quit, than the other times. And I know when I quit before, I was pregnant, but even then. I didn't have the cravings like I do now. I had them, but they were never this intense, nor this frequent.

I have been trying to busy my mind with blogging, and I suppose I'm not so bad. I'm watching movies more, to keep my mind off from wandering. I would like to start reading again. I know I have such a hard time to discipline myself to read, but when I set my mind to focusing long enough, I quite enjoy reading. I love those moments when you get swept away and find yourself lost in the book, and you just can't seem to put the book down.

The weather has been warming up nicely lately. I think it would be nice to actually start getting out there more, and starting to get some walking done. I miss walking honestly. I miss being able to get out there with someone, and get see the sights. One of the things I miss most about Vancouver. There was always some where to go, and always something to sea. Not have the same wide spread luxuries here..

I would like to move back to Vancouver, Eventually. I think once i start getting myself back into the swing of things, it will be well passed due to look into finishing my education. look into the possibilities that can lead me to greater things, because I'm completely unhappy with allowing myself to continue like this for so long. I won't make excuses, i won't justify it, but I also won't deny the realities in which I lived. None of it was easy, and Now I'm here. I'm ready to start taking those steps forward. So forward I shall go. One baby step at a time.

I still have my struggles. I still find myself picking myself up from being "emo" and forcing a smile, and a laugh, so no one will see the hurt & confusion. Maybe its time to just put it to rest, and see what happens ... I allow these problems to get the best of me, and in the end, they end up being for nothing, and I'm the only one who's left standing, hurt... I dwell on situations too often, and Its just time to lay it to rest, and not let it bother me anymore. Now my only question is.. How does one go about putting something to rest? when something has been a constant thought, concern and worry for so long, it seems as if it becomes habit to dwell on. It becomes a part of your daily routines. Its almost as if it becomes a part of who you are, if that even makes any sense.

I want to be happy. And to some extent, I am happy. But with this happiness, comes a great sadness that I cannot describe. There's a mix of realities possibilities, then there's the cold realization of what's possible and not possible at this moment. What does one do when they're faced with this.? How does one decide what is the best path choice?

I have another appointment with another counselor again. Tuesday I meet with her, and I'm fairly excited about it, so, I'm really hoping that this works out between her and I. because speaking to someone, and having somewhere there to help guide you through, or help you see different possibilities is encouraging in many ways. it helps me feel at peace, because I can hold on to the positive.. And I don't continue to sink into a rut.

It may not seem like a lot to many, all these changes I'm finally moving forward to make again. But at the same time, they are some of the biggest steps I've dared to take in so long. I've allowed my pains, fears and sorrows to rule my life for too long again. I think there's a greater part of me that's forgotten what life truly is about. And I'd love to find that again.

So here's looking forward to Tuesday

No Smoking!

I decided about 40 hours ago, I would attempt to quit smoking. Since I was down to my last 2 cigarettes, and I really didnt want to run out to get more, I figure, lets see how I can do with this quitting Cold Turkey again.

I have quit just like that before. But then again, those were times I was pregnant, so its a bit different this time around. I finished my last one, 36 hours ago to this hour. I did ask to roll a smoke, i ended up rolling 3. I figure, if I can keep holding off on the smokes, even with them right in front of me, thats pretty damn impressive.

So far! So good, 36 hours with no smokes, and many close calls, but I've refrained from smoking still.. and need to find something else that will occupy my mind, as I get through the next four or five days without smoking.

Once I pass the five day mark with no smoking, I'm hoping that I will be in the clear and the urges will have subsided a lot and it won't be so hard to get through a day and a night without smoking!

Well.. Now.. All this talking about not smoking, sure makes me want to have a smoke! geez! I suppose its time to find something to distract myself! Wish me luck !

Undecided Paths....

As the saying goes Listen to your heart I've been trying to find the answer to my question for some time now. and no matter how many times i go back and forth with it, i still can't seem to come to a final decision, or at least not one I can carry through with.

I think it's even more stupid, because the choice has already been chosen. whats stopping me? wishful thinking? the desire to dream, to hope? the fear of something ending again? fear of having to admit once again, I failed..?

Listen to my heart. Listen to reason. What happens when your heart tells you 2 different somethings... and the logic only becomes a voice that you wish to tune out?
What happens when one of the only things you want, becomes something you cannot have?

..... you know... I honestly just do not have the words to reason this out.... I've spent days & weeks, to find my peace in a decision, and there is still nothing. Maybe its just time for sleep.. and "tomorrow" will just be another day where the thoughts and feelings haunt me again.

She's An Eagle When She Flies

Tears streamed down my cheeks, as I watched Lovely Bones... I don't know what I would do, if I was ever faced in a situation where I had to face one of my life's greatest fears.

Losing a Child, is something a parent shouldn't never go through. And I think back to when I was younger. I would hear my Mother, from time to time, sharing the same fear. Having to lose one of your children. And I never quite understood then. I hadn't even suffered the pain of having lost anyone close to me. I experienced the pain of others, as I sat quietly.

I remember attending many funerals at a young age. And even though it pained me to see my Aunt, or Mother weep at the losses through the years, I never quite understood the impact one goes through after having lost someone so dear.

I first experienced the deepest pains of death when I was Sixteen years old. I lost My Grandmother, she lost the battle of Cancer after 3 years. It was a very tragic experience for me. I remembering sitting with her, not wanting to leave. I remember sitting at the end of her bedside, in the Hospital Family Unit.. I remember watching her take her last breath. I remember sitting there, not one word spoken. And i just knew, that was her last breath. I remember silently looking around, and seeing My Grandfather turning his head towards her, and his only words were "I think this is it" Those words alone, were the most painful words I had heard at that point in my life. I remember still silent, wishing it weren't true, wishing to wake up from this nightmare.

My Grandfather, A man I had never seen shed a tear in my life, broke down, he hung his head, and hid his face in his hands as he wept. My whole world came to a crashing halt. I finally understood the horrific pains of having lost someone who i loved dearly. My Grandmother. A woman who I thought the world of. Someone who I greatly loved and admired, even if I did not realize the truth of that. She was my Grandmother, She was the woman I never thought I'd ever lose. As ridiculous as that may sound, I built up this image of her. I remember at a young age, My cousins and I enjoyed watching this T.V. Show called "Super Gran" We all laughed and joked about Our Gran, being Super Gran. And from that moment on, that's who my Grandmother was. And I just never counted on having to say good-bye.

Saying good bye does not get any easier. its been 13 years since she left us, and in that time, I have lost many others in my life, and it terrifies me to think, it will happen again. I wish I can take the hands of time, and just freeze the moment, so i can enjoy every moment I share with my family and friends. I wish I can wake myself up when I was 15, even for a few hours, so I can spend the day with those I miss so dearly. I wish I could hear their voices, just once more.

In my head, I can almost come to memory, and hear each of their voices, their laugh, and I try so hard, to hear, just once more, but no matter how hard I try to hear that voice, just once more, I can't, it seems to distant, and I'm disappointed in myself for forgetting.

I find myself crying often, in fear of losing another. I fear the phone ringing again, and it will be again, more tragic news. I think back to my Daughters, so beautiful, so full of life, and I break down. It terrifies me that something tragic will happen to my precious angels, and the fear in me wonders, how would I ever be able to get through something such as that? I wouldn't be able to. And its then, that I remember my Mother's words "No parent should bury their child"... I get it... I Understand now. I have two of the most amazing girls any Parent can dream of, and I cannot fathom life after such a tragedy. I know I should not think these things. Nothing will happen.

I'm a Mother, fighting to find her Children again, to bring them back where they belong, in my arms. So the fear is natural. I would imagine its natural. You do not know where your children are. Not knowing where one is, would be bad enough, I'm 27, and have two missing children. My world is at a halt, my heart is empty and black. Please watch over my children, please keep them safe, and please, please bring them back to me where they belong.

This Song

Once in awhile, I come across a song that will stop everything, and bring tears to my eyes. And it will speaks words that I seem to lack.

There's a constant sadness that lurks every move I make, and I wonder, how is it that a person's life can be so sorrow filled. What have I done to deserve such heart break. It never seems ending, and constant reminders of what pains me most is at every corner.

Insecurities, fears, and irrationalism find their way in my thoughts. Most of the people who "know me" may actually be surprised to hear of how bad things may be. I look at myself, and I'm completely unhappy. I'm unhappy with myself, and I'm happy with my life. I look at myself and I hate what I see. Or maybe it's I hate what I no longer see..?

Its hard finding someone you can completely open yourself up to. Maybe that's not it at all. Maybe it's just fear of not feeling as if you will be understood.. I have my moments where I turn to some outside support I have been receiving for 3 years now, and I walk away feeling as if everything makes sense, I have a sense of direction again, and I feel amazing.. But to my disappointment, those feelings never last.

beep beep beep.... beep beep beep... beep beep beep. 3 new messages..... .... suddenly, a smile....

....... oh fuck it! I was distracted and can no longer focus on what it was i was trying to write. It was a great distraction. so I will take this "better feeling" for how ever long it will last before the sadness lurks in and swallows me whole.