Get used to it already !

Once again, I feel as though I have once again, successfully screwed everything up. For months, I have been fighting to find a way to "Let go" ... for months i have been beating myself up to "move on" ...

I don't know how. I don't know what I'm left to do. Everything in me, and everything in front of me tells me, I have to let him go. I have to smile and walk away. And that's hurting me more than I could ever even begin to describe.

I love him. And I've considered my feelings. I've considered the reality. I love him. I love him so much, I would give up everything, to take a chance. ... Almost, I would almost give up everything. I have two girls on this Earth, who mean everything to me. There is nothing on this Earth that will make me give up my Children. I will not ever turn my back and walk away from them. Even if it meant my life.

I know, that if it were not for those two girls, I wouldn't have a problem walking away. Even if by some chance, it never would have worked if we had an honest, decent chance at making something. At least I could have walked away and moved on with my life KNOWING, I took that chance. A chance that scares the hell out of me. I could have known....

I love him. and its killing me knowing I need to walk away. How does someone willingly walk away from something so real like this?! Its making me angry, its making me bitter.. Its reinforcing every fear I've had because of what the outcome would be.

We couldn't be together. I knew the impossibilities of what our reality was, but I still let my guard down, and I allowed my heart to go. Why do people tell you to listen to your heart. I listened to my heart, look at what its gotten me.

I don't regret him. I don't regret any of the relationship, before and after. But I do feel as if this is my fault... I feel like I've just let myself down once again. and I feel as though I may have let him down too.. If I actually do matter, the way he says I do.

I am pretty screwed up, Aren't I?! I can't truly believe anyone, not because i have so little faith in humanity. I have no faith in life. I have no faith in myself, so how could anyone truly care about me!? Why the hell would I matter?! I look into the mirror every day, and I'm completely disgusted.. And I'm sad, because at the same time, I don't see anything. I don't see anyone of worth.

....... I'm mad...I'm sad.... I'm scared... I'm hurt... Im very, very hurt. ... This is just my life. Right? Get used to the pain.?! get used to the disappointment.?! get used to the god damn heart break already. ?!!