I Will Never Forget

Valentines Day some how managed to quickly creep up on me, yet.... at the same time, it feels like it took enternity for this day to come.

I am not happy, I am far from happy. I have been filled with memories, both good and bad in the last few weeks as the days drew near. The memories do not leave my mind. The empty, dark, lonely feeling does not leave my heart.

I remember the days I was happy. I remember the days my life made sense. I remember when I felt as if I had a purpose. Tears fall down my cheeks & I wish I could have even just some of that sense of stability back.

I'm not exactly sure why it is this day bothers me, when the last 3 years have not so much as mattered. But this year, does. Logically, I cannot come up with a reason. My thoughts are still scattered, my heart feels dark & heavy.

8 years ago, I celebrated my first Valetines Anniversary with a man who I loved more than I could express. I know, I know, its some what corny, and we always kinda laughed at it ourselves, but it was still our day, and we loved each other immensely.

We had our troubles, the odds were against us from the start. But love carried us through. Through the pain, the tears, and the heart breaks, one thing always remained, and that was our love for each other.

He loved me, just as much as I loved him, I had no doubt, and when doubt creeped in, I would looked into his eyes, and every doubt I may have had, melted away.

When two people end their marriage, most times, everyone around you that knew you both, will only see the bad... People find it to be their oppertunity to tell you he/she wasn't good for you, perhaps it is best this way.

Friends & Family will be by your side, to help you through the tears, pain & sadness. And for awhile, everything seems to be 'normal', you've started getting yourself back on track, and you're making a life style change.. hopefully its for the better. Well.. in my case, I've invested three years into changing and bettering myself.

For awhile, I thought I was doing well. Even through the pain of still wanting him. I missed him, and still loved him. I lived on hopes & dreams that one day, we could once again be together. As time slowly went by, I learned to accept the reality, and the possibility that Dave & I will no longer be Dave & I again. Time marched on, and my emotions started changing, my thoughts began to change.

I finally seen just what everyone told me previously, This is probably for the best. It was a hard pill to swallow. I mean, how could it not be? I invested 5 years with this man, I gave up my Friends & my Family to be with him, I stood by him faithfully has he battled his mental illness. I gave him everything I had...

I don't regret the years together, I don't regret giving up my life to be with him. despite the pain and sorrow, I did love him, and he did make me happy. Problem was, we had our own personal baggage that helped crumble our relationship & our family.

It was just one of those tragic love stories I suppose. If we had the strength to face our own issues, and work at bettering ourselves then, We would have a happy, healthy life together. We would still be a family, We would still have each other.

For years, I have shared stories, tears and heartaches from my life with Dave. Today, on Valentines Day, a day that SHOULD have been our 8th Anniversary, I remember the love we once shared. I could tell you just as many heart warming stories as I could share in the bad.

I still love him. & I miss so many of the times we shared together. I miss my Best Friend. Because thats who he was, He was my Best Friend. Even if you do not understand, this is how I feel. I cannot hate, I cannot blame. I do not regret, and I will never forget.