The Reality is..

I messed up, I messed up really bad, and I feel nothing. I'm empty, I'm beyond tears. nothing hurts anymore, and all I can do is sit, shake my head and tell myself, this is just what happens when I give a shit. Its what happens when i actually dare to care, love and wish.

I can't express myself properly without it blowing up in my face right now. Everything I try saying, comes out all wrong, and I don't even know the difference because I can't seem to function properly right now.

People ask me how I'm feeling, & when I was as honest as I fear to be, it fell apart right before my eyes. I haven't written in my blog for days, because I can't seem to get anything out, and any time i managed anything, my mind told me no, that's just screwed up, it doesn't make sense, and I don't wanna admit to all that shit.

The only person who I've been able to be completely honest with, wants nothing to do with me, and I have no one to blame but my self.

Some of my greatest fears are acknowledging my insecurities, my fears & darkest thoughts & feelings. When I get to this state of mind, my thoughts always fall back to my life that I spent with Dave. The years of torment I endured.. The years of tears I spilled because I was young, and I was completely inexperienced when it came to living with someone with a mental illness.

I take notice to the similarities of myself & Dave, and it terrifies me to no end that perhaps there is something seriously wrong with me. Can I really be that messed up? Is that something that I would be willing to admit to?

I'm forever desperately reaching for logic through my irrationalism, because unlike many people who walk this Earth with deep troublesome lives, I know where my faults lie. I know what I do to protect myself because I honestly cannot deal with the hurt. My heart is soft, and my heart is sensitive. Its not made to hurt, its made to love.

I accept the responsibilities to my wrong doings. Many don't realize who I truly am underneath the laughs, the smiles, & the jokes. My heartaches, and some of the darkest, loneliest, most desperate thoughts & fears swim through my mind.

I beat myself up because I have spent years struggling to over come these irrational, crippling thoughts & fears. I have put myself through support groups & self help programs, I have seen many counselors, and life coaches. I spent years observing my mother's hard efforts with her career of being a counselor.

I know how I feel, and i fight myself through the entire day wishing these feelings would just disappear. Its as though I have an angel and a devil perched on my shoulders...

I know many of my fears are irrational, I know there is no justifying the hurt i may cause people. I don't blame & I don't want to hurt anyone. I will sooner put on a smile, and laugh the tears away then to tell someone how I truly feel. Because I tell myself, how can they possibly understand. How can they help?

I'm scared to honestly open up to anyone, because I don't want to lose anyone again. But I have to laugh, because I do anyway, there is always one person who I end up hurting, and I have no one to blame but myself.

- You push them away, hurt them and make them feel like shit. Then, you keep asking " why does my life suck no one cares about me". Its not that no one does, you just make people feel horrible for caring.

Was one thing that was said to me earlier last night. And I broke down and cried, because everything in that paragraph is true. I learned years ago, this is what I do.

Not because I want to, not because I want to be a bitch, but because I live in fear of something greater happening if I allow someone to care. I know I'm not perfect, I know I screw up, I know I can make some of the worst choices based on my fears and insecurities. I don't expect anyone to understand...

I tell myself, no one cares, I tell myself there's no possible way anything great can be real, because I'm scared to believe in something real. I'm scared to let the good in, it has nothing to do with not wanting it, I'm truly scared that if I do, that will be another loss i have to soon deal with.

So the darker side of me drills it into my mind that I was a fool to believe in something, to wish for something, to dare to want something greater.

I'm aware of this. and someone may feel I sit here, feeling sorry for myself, and asking myself, why does my life suck? Thats where I have to say, You are wrong.
I'm fighting myself every second of the way, telling myself, to snap outta of it, because this isn't so. I know where my faults lie, and I do not take them lightly.

If there is one thing, anyone can truly understand about me is, I don't blame anyone anymore for the misery in my life. I don't blame people because I've been able to convince myself no one cares ...

I'm insecure, I'm scared, I'm hurt, and in so many ways, I'm still a child and when I can calm myself long enough to take a look at my feelings, I can break it down and look at my situation at every possible angle on a sensible philosophical approach..

Yesterday was a really bad day, and I completely fell apart... I met for a second time yesterday, my new counselor, Christine. I was forced to focus in on some of the worst moments of my life, past, present and future. I was emotionally drained and couldn't cope..

For days, my mind has been buried in a clouded fog. my eyes are vacant, there is no real smile, my heart has been aching and tears always streaming down my face...
I am walking through my days in a haze, and it scares me, because I've been through this once before, and the pain is so severe...

I don't feel anything right now. I'm numb...