No one's what they appear to be

I'm starting to learn, some of the worst moments in my life can be a blessing in disguise. And I know I've sat around feeling sorry for myself for too long. Especially in the last few weeks, because I was caught up in the fears, the memories and the sadness of everything that has happened and happening.

I'm probably one of the worst who will make up excuses, and who will allow my pain & fears control me. For as long as I can remember, I've been a very troubled girl. Just like everyone, I have my own personal battles. I fall often, and I talk myself down. I let everything bad get the best of me.

Why does my life suck? why can't I just be happy? What did I do that was so terribly wrong for all these horrible things to keep happening. These are just a few of some of the most painful questions that run through my head. Other times, my lack of self confidence drowns me in a pool of misery.

Many people who know me, do not see the real me, they don't understand the pain I feel each and every day, throughout the entire day, I've perfected being able to mask the sadness & the tears with a laugh, or a smile. I hide my weaknesses with the illusion that I didn't care.

I've spent the last 3 years working towards getting myself well. And for the most part, I think i've done real damn well in accomplishing this. I never let it go to my head though. I know there is still so much i need to focus on and work on.


-You push them away, hurt them and make them feel like shit. Then, you keep asking " why does my life suck no one cares about me". Its not that no one does, you just make people feel horrible for caring.

These were spoken to me a few days back now..and honestly, I cannot blame the person for saying this. I can't argue the statement, nor do I want to justify it. I can't. so I won't. I do this.. I know I do. I've known for years now, this is what I do. Its not someting I purposely do, its not something I willfully do...

More often then not, I will find myself struggling, fighting with myself against how I feel, and what I know. Maybe some people would be surprised to learn just how deep my personal insecurities will go. But they are there. I feel as if everything that goes wrong, is my fault. Perhaps that's from being blamed for a lot of things growing up. I was an extremely sensitive child. and very timid.

The life style and family history from both sides are tragic ones, filled with Residential schools, Wars, & Alcoholism. I don't blame my family for the wrongs they may have done. I finally know now, we're only able to give what we have, and succeed with what we know. Which you would think to be common sense, but through the eyes of a child, its not so common.

I have many sad stories that could lead up to contributing to the struggles I have today. I don't resent them, I don't hate them, I'm not angry because of them. Because eventually, I know the road will rise up to meet me, and I will be a better, stronger person for this.

I'm grateful for those who have stood by me, I'm thankful for those who believed in me when I could not. And I'm terribly sorry for those who I pushed away, shut out, or hurt. I have no excuses, I will not justify my actions or anything I've said. Its not easy, going through what I am either. I don't seek pity, I don't seek hurt..

I know many of the thoughts I've been having are completely ridiculous, and I'm only bringing it upon myself, but it still doesn't change that this is how i feel. I'm not stupid. I know these are just things that are manifested from my pain, my hurt, fears and insecurities.

I'm not gonna sit around anymore. I can't afford to. I can't afford to waste my time in letting the fear and hurt guide me. I need my life back, and I deserve it. I deserve to move on, I deserve to be happy. I know I can be... It just takes time, patience and work... I do feel some what ashamed that I can slip so far down into that dark, lonely hole, that can cripple a person. But I still do. I'm only human... I make mistakes, I learn from them, and I move on. Its time to stop telling myself I can't. Or I'm too scared, Its time to stop making excuses ... I don't enjoy it, I never have, and I've been aware of all this since my late teens. and here I am. about 10 years later, still struggling to get it right.