I decided about 40 hours ago, I would attempt to quit smoking. Since I was down to my last 2 cigarettes, and I really didnt want to run out to get more, I figure, lets see how I can do with this quitting Cold Turkey again.
I have quit just like that before. But then again, those were times I was pregnant, so its a bit different this time around. I finished my last one, 36 hours ago to this hour. I did ask to roll a smoke, i ended up rolling 3. I figure, if I can keep holding off on the smokes, even with them right in front of me, thats pretty damn impressive.
So far! So good, 36 hours with no smokes, and many close calls, but I've refrained from smoking still.. and need to find something else that will occupy my mind, as I get through the next four or five days without smoking.
Once I pass the five day mark with no smoking, I'm hoping that I will be in the clear and the urges will have subsided a lot and it won't be so hard to get through a day and a night without smoking!
Well.. Now.. All this talking about not smoking, sure makes me want to have a smoke! geez! I suppose its time to find something to distract myself! Wish me luck !
As the saying goes Listen to your heart I've been trying to find the answer to my question for some time now. and no matter how many times i go back and forth with it, i still can't seem to come to a final decision, or at least not one I can carry through with.
I think it's even more stupid, because the choice has already been chosen. whats stopping me? wishful thinking? the desire to dream, to hope? the fear of something ending again? fear of having to admit once again, I failed..?
Listen to my heart. Listen to reason. What happens when your heart tells you 2 different somethings... and the logic only becomes a voice that you wish to tune out? What happens when one of the only things you want, becomes something you cannot have?
..... you know... I honestly just do not have the words to reason this out.... I've spent days & weeks, to find my peace in a decision, and there is still nothing. Maybe its just time for sleep.. and "tomorrow" will just be another day where the thoughts and feelings haunt me again.
Tears streamed down my cheeks, as I watched Lovely Bones... I don't know what I would do, if I was ever faced in a situation where I had to face one of my life's greatest fears.
Losing a Child, is something a parent shouldn't never go through. And I think back to when I was younger. I would hear my Mother, from time to time, sharing the same fear. Having to lose one of your children. And I never quite understood then. I hadn't even suffered the pain of having lost anyone close to me. I experienced the pain of others, as I sat quietly.
I remember attending many funerals at a young age. And even though it pained me to see my Aunt, or Mother weep at the losses through the years, I never quite understood the impact one goes through after having lost someone so dear.
I first experienced the deepest pains of death when I was Sixteen years old. I lost My Grandmother, she lost the battle of Cancer after 3 years. It was a very tragic experience for me. I remembering sitting with her, not wanting to leave. I remember sitting at the end of her bedside, in the Hospital Family Unit.. I remember watching her take her last breath. I remember sitting there, not one word spoken. And i just knew, that was her last breath. I remember silently looking around, and seeing My Grandfather turning his head towards her, and his only words were "I think this is it" Those words alone, were the most painful words I had heard at that point in my life. I remember still silent, wishing it weren't true, wishing to wake up from this nightmare.
My Grandfather, A man I had never seen shed a tear in my life, broke down, he hung his head, and hid his face in his hands as he wept. My whole world came to a crashing halt. I finally understood the horrific pains of having lost someone who i loved dearly. My Grandmother. A woman who I thought the world of. Someone who I greatly loved and admired, even if I did not realize the truth of that. She was my Grandmother, She was the woman I never thought I'd ever lose. As ridiculous as that may sound, I built up this image of her. I remember at a young age, My cousins and I enjoyed watching this T.V. Show called "Super Gran" We all laughed and joked about Our Gran, being Super Gran. And from that moment on, that's who my Grandmother was. And I just never counted on having to say good-bye.
Saying good bye does not get any easier. its been 13 years since she left us, and in that time, I have lost many others in my life, and it terrifies me to think, it will happen again. I wish I can take the hands of time, and just freeze the moment, so i can enjoy every moment I share with my family and friends. I wish I can wake myself up when I was 15, even for a few hours, so I can spend the day with those I miss so dearly. I wish I could hear their voices, just once more.
In my head, I can almost come to memory, and hear each of their voices, their laugh, and I try so hard, to hear, just once more, but no matter how hard I try to hear that voice, just once more, I can't, it seems to distant, and I'm disappointed in myself for forgetting.
I find myself crying often, in fear of losing another. I fear the phone ringing again, and it will be again, more tragic news. I think back to my Daughters, so beautiful, so full of life, and I break down. It terrifies me that something tragic will happen to my precious angels, and the fear in me wonders, how would I ever be able to get through something such as that? I wouldn't be able to. And its then, that I remember my Mother's words "No parent should bury their child"... I get it... I Understand now. I have two of the most amazing girls any Parent can dream of, and I cannot fathom life after such a tragedy. I know I should not think these things. Nothing will happen.
I'm a Mother, fighting to find her Children again, to bring them back where they belong, in my arms. So the fear is natural. I would imagine its natural. You do not know where your children are. Not knowing where one is, would be bad enough, I'm 27, and have two missing children. My world is at a halt, my heart is empty and black. Please watch over my children, please keep them safe, and please, please bring them back to me where they belong.
Once in awhile, I come across a song that will stop everything, and bring tears to my eyes. And it will speaks words that I seem to lack.
There's a constant sadness that lurks every move I make, and I wonder, how is it that a person's life can be so sorrow filled. What have I done to deserve such heart break. It never seems ending, and constant reminders of what pains me most is at every corner.
Insecurities, fears, and irrationalism find their way in my thoughts. Most of the people who "know me" may actually be surprised to hear of how bad things may be. I look at myself, and I'm completely unhappy. I'm unhappy with myself, and I'm happy with my life. I look at myself and I hate what I see. Or maybe it's I hate what I no longer see..?
Its hard finding someone you can completely open yourself up to. Maybe that's not it at all. Maybe it's just fear of not feeling as if you will be understood.. I have my moments where I turn to some outside support I have been receiving for 3 years now, and I walk away feeling as if everything makes sense, I have a sense of direction again, and I feel amazing.. But to my disappointment, those feelings never last.
beep beep beep.... beep beep beep... beep beep beep. 3 new messages..... .... suddenly, a smile....
....... oh fuck it! I was distracted and can no longer focus on what it was i was trying to write. It was a great distraction. so I will take this "better feeling" for how ever long it will last before the sadness lurks in and swallows me whole.
I decided about 40 hours ago, I would attempt to quit smoking. Since I was down to my last 2 cigarettes, and I really didnt want to run out to get more, I figure, lets see how I can do with this quitting Cold Turkey again.
