Looking forward to Tuesday

Well, another day has come and gone. Had a nice day, over all. Got to watch the WWE Royal Rumble. Its been many years since I've watched a PPV. I'm sure it could have been better than what it was. But none the less, it was still fun to be able to sit and watch again.

I've managed to make it 49 hours without a smoke now. I'm probably irritating many with my constant "it's been this long now" excitement (haha) I'm quite impressed and baffled at the same time, honestly. it just seems so much harder now to quit, than the other times. And I know when I quit before, I was pregnant, but even then. I didn't have the cravings like I do now. I had them, but they were never this intense, nor this frequent.

I have been trying to busy my mind with blogging, and I suppose I'm not so bad. I'm watching movies more, to keep my mind off from wandering. I would like to start reading again. I know I have such a hard time to discipline myself to read, but when I set my mind to focusing long enough, I quite enjoy reading. I love those moments when you get swept away and find yourself lost in the book, and you just can't seem to put the book down.

The weather has been warming up nicely lately. I think it would be nice to actually start getting out there more, and starting to get some walking done. I miss walking honestly. I miss being able to get out there with someone, and get see the sights. One of the things I miss most about Vancouver. There was always some where to go, and always something to sea. Not have the same wide spread luxuries here..

I would like to move back to Vancouver, Eventually. I think once i start getting myself back into the swing of things, it will be well passed due to look into finishing my education. look into the possibilities that can lead me to greater things, because I'm completely unhappy with allowing myself to continue like this for so long. I won't make excuses, i won't justify it, but I also won't deny the realities in which I lived. None of it was easy, and Now I'm here. I'm ready to start taking those steps forward. So forward I shall go. One baby step at a time.

I still have my struggles. I still find myself picking myself up from being "emo" and forcing a smile, and a laugh, so no one will see the hurt & confusion. Maybe its time to just put it to rest, and see what happens ... I allow these problems to get the best of me, and in the end, they end up being for nothing, and I'm the only one who's left standing, hurt... I dwell on situations too often, and Its just time to lay it to rest, and not let it bother me anymore. Now my only question is.. How does one go about putting something to rest? when something has been a constant thought, concern and worry for so long, it seems as if it becomes habit to dwell on. It becomes a part of your daily routines. Its almost as if it becomes a part of who you are, if that even makes any sense.

I want to be happy. And to some extent, I am happy. But with this happiness, comes a great sadness that I cannot describe. There's a mix of realities possibilities, then there's the cold realization of what's possible and not possible at this moment. What does one do when they're faced with this.? How does one decide what is the best path choice?

I have another appointment with another counselor again. Tuesday I meet with her, and I'm fairly excited about it, so, I'm really hoping that this works out between her and I. because speaking to someone, and having somewhere there to help guide you through, or help you see different possibilities is encouraging in many ways. it helps me feel at peace, because I can hold on to the positive.. And I don't continue to sink into a rut.

It may not seem like a lot to many, all these changes I'm finally moving forward to make again. But at the same time, they are some of the biggest steps I've dared to take in so long. I've allowed my pains, fears and sorrows to rule my life for too long again. I think there's a greater part of me that's forgotten what life truly is about. And I'd love to find that again.

So here's looking forward to Tuesday