An attempt at expression

Today was a rather productive day. I met with this lady who's ... well.. She's a program coordinator ... She's suppose to help with Employment crap, and to be there for extra support to help me with all the extra crap I've dealt with.

I don't think many people understand the severity of how "beaten down" I feel. Its not a matter of not wanting to. Its a matter now of finding that motivation again to get up. I know I make excuses a lot now, But if someone could see, and understand the impact of these last 3 or 4 years, they would know its not easy to bounce back from.

Its hard finding that will to get up when your life is ripped from you, and your heart has been taken and run through the blender. I feel completely trapped, I feel as if I'm drowning. I look around, and I still don't see Anything that I remember I was. I find myself standing in the bathroom and I look into the mirror, and I wonder. Where am I ? What's happened to me? When did I lose myself?

I'm not happy with me at the moment. I'm not happy with many so called Friends. Nor am I happy with much of my "family". I'm feeling very bitter towards humanity and that's not like me, I know it's not. I go back to the mirror... I see myself, looking back at a person's shell who looks like me. I don't see the spark I once had. I don't see whatever beauty I once felt was there. I see these empty eyes, no soul, no happiness, no acceptance that this is me.

To everyone else, I may seem strong, I may seem like I have it together, but in all honestly, I don't. I have my break downs, I have moments where I go off and just cry, because everything looks & feels hopeless. I may be strong, I may have more to me than I believe. Sure.. I'll buy that. But at the same time, I'm only human, I have emotions, I have fears, I have insecurities, and I hurt just like the next person. I wish people would remember this when they say "you're stronger than you think" ... I'm grateful to have wonderful people who will support me, I am... But I would like them to also remember, I'm only human, and there is only so much a person can take before they break.

I hide my pain easily, I've gotten quite good at it. I've done it my entire life, its nothing new to me. I find it easier if no one knows. Because how could someone understand? Would it matter in the end anyway? I look at my family, I look at my Friends who I have known my entire life, and it doesn't matter.

I'm growing more and more apart from my maternal family. I haven't felt like I've "belonged" for many years now. I love them dearly, I do. And I will still do anything I can, to protect them. But I feel above them.. And there's this part of me, that feels guilty, for believing I'm better than they are. But on the flip side, I ask myself, What's wrong with that? Why can't I be "better" ? I'm not ashamed of my family. I understand now, why so many people, not just them, are the way they are. And its not their fault.


People do their best with what they have, and what they know. For many years, I always heard my Mother speak about "Breaking the cycles". And for so many years, I was only able to understand the alcoholism cycle. She stressed time and time again, she did not want that for her children. For she also chose, that wasn't going to be her life style either.

Now, years later, with two children of my own, I completely understand the wide depth of that one little statement. Behaviors, thoughts, choices in life.. Those are cycles too. And I believe, I've over come a lot of it, with ups and downs along the way, I believe I'm better than the life I grew up in. And that's something to not be ashamed of. I should be proud of it. And I am... I truly am proud of what I have accomplished, and I know there are many more changes yet to come.

But at this moment, I feel weak... I feel lost, I feel alone.. I'm scared. I'm terrified at the thought of being let down again. I'm Fragile, and I don't know if anyone can understand that. I don't even know if I understand that.

I find myself struggling with words now. My thoughts are all over the place. And most times, I have a hard time getting a sentence out. That's not really something common for me. I've always prided myself on being able to express myself in a way, that everyone can understand clearly, without me having to struggle to word it a way where I can help them see...

sigh... i think that's enough for now. I don't think my brain can take anymore of this uphill battle of words tonight.