My thoughts are scattered at the moment. I'm having a harder time expressing what it is I really want to say. Well, lets say, having a harder time expressing what it is I NEED to say.

Its like I have this mind set on what it is I have to do. And I tell myself, over and over again. You need to do this. There is no way around it. I cannot accept reality, when I know it's something I do not want. I cannot accept reality when I have this fear in me of always pushing on, only for it to keep blowing up in my face.

Maybe I'm just a coward. I don't know. But after years of being emotionally, and mentally beaten down, its not easy getting up again. Its not easy trying to believe in the greater good of the universe when everything has always been snatched from you. yeah, what does everyone think of that.. "Its called life. Suck it up and move on"

I resent myself for feeling as if all I do is make excuses for myself.. I won't deny I do.. I know I do.. And I'm not proud of it. But at the same time, I know there is only so much a person can take before everything becomes too much.

When you get to that point... Where do you go from there? Where do you go when you're scared to move, because you're tired of losing everything, You're tired of crying, you're tired of hurting, and you're scared its just going to end up like before, or worst.

What do you do when some of the only people you've ever been able to count & lean on become someone you really are scared to speak to? What do you do when you don't know what to do? What do you do when you don't even know how to explain how you feel?! What do you do when you don't understand?