Every once in awhile, I will find myself at a complete loss on everything. I can't seem to pin point a lot of where all my feelings have come from, I can't seem to grasp on to the reality of anything.
I went to meet a lady today, Christine was her name. Unfortunately. We mixed up our appointment times, and I was 30 minutes late.. eish... but we met, briefly went over some of the points that I feel I need help to address. Still can't say for sure if I'll feel comfortable enough to stay with her. But I'll give it a shot and see how things go.
My goal is, to start walking more again. I miss it really.. And I've gotten too lazy. So.. since it's been fairly warm lately. I went for my walk to the appointment, walked over to have some lunch, and walked back home again. Exciting huh?!
I did start thinking about many various of things though. Dave's been weighing on my mind, and in my heart lately. Mianly because of what this month symbolized for us while we were together. We decided to celebrate our Anniversary this month, on the 14th.... Valentines Day. Kinda corny, I know, but we were never totally sure when we really got together.
So, with all that is tugging at my thoughts, and emotions. One song constantly comes to mind. My Valentine, by Martina McBride.
It was a song, that I used on a website that I dedicated to him, our love, and our life. I remember tears streaming down his face as I showed him the page I had worked on. My Valentine was the song I had playing in the background of course. I remember when I first heard the song myself, I cried because it was so fitting for everything I wanted to say, and how I felt.
Many people have this imagine of Dave that he is a complete asshole, and they would be right. He is being a complete asshole. But despite all that, I know there is more to Dave than what they know from the stories I tell.
I almost feel bad for sharing some of the most god awful stories between us. I know I was never innocent in the relationship. I made mistakes, I hurt not just him, but our Daughters with a lot of the bullshit I was carrying around back then too.
Dave is one of the most complex people I have ever met. And despite the pain and suffering he's putting me through, I still cannot hate him. I do feel sorry for him. And I will forever love him. He brought many great things into my life, it wasn't just filled with anger, hate and spite. He took care of me.
Is it crazy, after all this time, and all we've been through since we finally called it quits, that I still miss him...? We had our problems, we had HUGE problems... Problems that tore us apart that was completely out of our control. I know how much he loved me. That I could never deny.
Maybe it's the dream that I miss.. I really don't know anything anymore. I look at my life, and I think "WOW!" My life is in need of some serious transformation. which means I need to cut a lot of things & people from my life. I need to focus on what's realistic, and what's not. its time i stop living in a fantasy world, where I pout because I again, am not getting what I want. Truth of it is, we don't always get what we want from life. I need to move on. I need to rebuild my life.
How do you say good bye to your hopes & dreams though? Should you ever let them go? How do you make the right decision? Your heart & mind tell you so many different things, and it just becomes a never ending back and forth.
Saddness clouds my heart. Tears blur my vision. Loneliness swallows me whole. I don't know what hurts more.. Knowing it will never be, or letting go to move on ....I can't keep pretending. Its not fair .... and it will only hurt me more in the long run.
This is the week, I start picking up and saying good bye to many people & things in my life.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment