An attempt at expression

Today was a rather productive day. I met with this lady who's ... well.. She's a program coordinator ... She's suppose to help with Employment crap, and to be there for extra support to help me with all the extra crap I've dealt with.

I don't think many people understand the severity of how "beaten down" I feel. Its not a matter of not wanting to. Its a matter now of finding that motivation again to get up. I know I make excuses a lot now, But if someone could see, and understand the impact of these last 3 or 4 years, they would know its not easy to bounce back from.

Its hard finding that will to get up when your life is ripped from you, and your heart has been taken and run through the blender. I feel completely trapped, I feel as if I'm drowning. I look around, and I still don't see Anything that I remember I was. I find myself standing in the bathroom and I look into the mirror, and I wonder. Where am I ? What's happened to me? When did I lose myself?

I'm not happy with me at the moment. I'm not happy with many so called Friends. Nor am I happy with much of my "family". I'm feeling very bitter towards humanity and that's not like me, I know it's not. I go back to the mirror... I see myself, looking back at a person's shell who looks like me. I don't see the spark I once had. I don't see whatever beauty I once felt was there. I see these empty eyes, no soul, no happiness, no acceptance that this is me.

To everyone else, I may seem strong, I may seem like I have it together, but in all honestly, I don't. I have my break downs, I have moments where I go off and just cry, because everything looks & feels hopeless. I may be strong, I may have more to me than I believe. Sure.. I'll buy that. But at the same time, I'm only human, I have emotions, I have fears, I have insecurities, and I hurt just like the next person. I wish people would remember this when they say "you're stronger than you think" ... I'm grateful to have wonderful people who will support me, I am... But I would like them to also remember, I'm only human, and there is only so much a person can take before they break.

I hide my pain easily, I've gotten quite good at it. I've done it my entire life, its nothing new to me. I find it easier if no one knows. Because how could someone understand? Would it matter in the end anyway? I look at my family, I look at my Friends who I have known my entire life, and it doesn't matter.

I'm growing more and more apart from my maternal family. I haven't felt like I've "belonged" for many years now. I love them dearly, I do. And I will still do anything I can, to protect them. But I feel above them.. And there's this part of me, that feels guilty, for believing I'm better than they are. But on the flip side, I ask myself, What's wrong with that? Why can't I be "better" ? I'm not ashamed of my family. I understand now, why so many people, not just them, are the way they are. And its not their fault.


People do their best with what they have, and what they know. For many years, I always heard my Mother speak about "Breaking the cycles". And for so many years, I was only able to understand the alcoholism cycle. She stressed time and time again, she did not want that for her children. For she also chose, that wasn't going to be her life style either.

Now, years later, with two children of my own, I completely understand the wide depth of that one little statement. Behaviors, thoughts, choices in life.. Those are cycles too. And I believe, I've over come a lot of it, with ups and downs along the way, I believe I'm better than the life I grew up in. And that's something to not be ashamed of. I should be proud of it. And I am... I truly am proud of what I have accomplished, and I know there are many more changes yet to come.

But at this moment, I feel weak... I feel lost, I feel alone.. I'm scared. I'm terrified at the thought of being let down again. I'm Fragile, and I don't know if anyone can understand that. I don't even know if I understand that.

I find myself struggling with words now. My thoughts are all over the place. And most times, I have a hard time getting a sentence out. That's not really something common for me. I've always prided myself on being able to express myself in a way, that everyone can understand clearly, without me having to struggle to word it a way where I can help them see...

sigh... i think that's enough for now. I don't think my brain can take anymore of this uphill battle of words tonight.

My thoughts are scattered at the moment. I'm having a harder time expressing what it is I really want to say. Well, lets say, having a harder time expressing what it is I NEED to say.

Its like I have this mind set on what it is I have to do. And I tell myself, over and over again. You need to do this. There is no way around it. I cannot accept reality, when I know it's something I do not want. I cannot accept reality when I have this fear in me of always pushing on, only for it to keep blowing up in my face.

Maybe I'm just a coward. I don't know. But after years of being emotionally, and mentally beaten down, its not easy getting up again. Its not easy trying to believe in the greater good of the universe when everything has always been snatched from you. yeah, what does everyone think of that.. "Its called life. Suck it up and move on"

I resent myself for feeling as if all I do is make excuses for myself.. I won't deny I do.. I know I do.. And I'm not proud of it. But at the same time, I know there is only so much a person can take before everything becomes too much.

When you get to that point... Where do you go from there? Where do you go when you're scared to move, because you're tired of losing everything, You're tired of crying, you're tired of hurting, and you're scared its just going to end up like before, or worst.

What do you do when some of the only people you've ever been able to count & lean on become someone you really are scared to speak to? What do you do when you don't know what to do? What do you do when you don't even know how to explain how you feel?! What do you do when you don't understand?

Letting go so I can move on

Every once in awhile, I will find myself at a complete loss on everything. I can't seem to pin point a lot of where all my feelings have come from, I can't seem to grasp on to the reality of anything.

I went to meet a lady today, Christine was her name. Unfortunately. We mixed up our appointment times, and I was 30 minutes late.. eish... but we met, briefly went over some of the points that I feel I need help to address. Still can't say for sure if I'll feel comfortable enough to stay with her. But I'll give it a shot and see how things go.

My goal is, to start walking more again. I miss it really.. And I've gotten too lazy. So.. since it's been fairly warm lately. I went for my walk to the appointment, walked over to have some lunch, and walked back home again. Exciting huh?!

I did start thinking about many various of things though. Dave's been weighing on my mind, and in my heart lately. Mianly because of what this month symbolized for us while we were together. We decided to celebrate our Anniversary this month, on the 14th.... Valentines Day. Kinda corny, I know, but we were never totally sure when we really got together.

So, with all that is tugging at my thoughts, and emotions. One song constantly comes to mind. My Valentine, by Martina McBride.



It was a song, that I used on a website that I dedicated to him, our love, and our life. I remember tears streaming down his face as I showed him the page I had worked on. My Valentine was the song I had playing in the background of course. I remember when I first heard the song myself, I cried because it was so fitting for everything I wanted to say, and how I felt.

Many people have this imagine of Dave that he is a complete asshole, and they would be right. He is being a complete asshole. But despite all that, I know there is more to Dave than what they know from the stories I tell.

I almost feel bad for sharing some of the most god awful stories between us. I know I was never innocent in the relationship. I made mistakes, I hurt not just him, but our Daughters with a lot of the bullshit I was carrying around back then too.

Dave is one of the most complex people I have ever met. And despite the pain and suffering he's putting me through, I still cannot hate him. I do feel sorry for him. And I will forever love him. He brought many great things into my life, it wasn't just filled with anger, hate and spite. He took care of me.

Is it crazy, after all this time, and all we've been through since we finally called it quits, that I still miss him...? We had our problems, we had HUGE problems... Problems that tore us apart that was completely out of our control. I know how much he loved me. That I could never deny.

Maybe it's the dream that I miss.. I really don't know anything anymore. I look at my life, and I think "WOW!" My life is in need of some serious transformation. which means I need to cut a lot of things & people from my life. I need to focus on what's realistic, and what's not. its time i stop living in a fantasy world, where I pout because I again, am not getting what I want. Truth of it is, we don't always get what we want from life. I need to move on. I need to rebuild my life.

How do you say good bye to your hopes & dreams though? Should you ever let them go? How do you make the right decision? Your heart & mind tell you so many different things, and it just becomes a never ending back and forth.

Saddness clouds my heart. Tears blur my vision. Loneliness swallows me whole. I don't know what hurts more.. Knowing it will never be, or letting go to move on ....I can't keep pretending. Its not fair .... and it will only hurt me more in the long run.

This is the week, I start picking up and saying good bye to many people & things in my life.

Looking forward to Tuesday

Well, another day has come and gone. Had a nice day, over all. Got to watch the WWE Royal Rumble. Its been many years since I've watched a PPV. I'm sure it could have been better than what it was. But none the less, it was still fun to be able to sit and watch again.

I've managed to make it 49 hours without a smoke now. I'm probably irritating many with my constant "it's been this long now" excitement (haha) I'm quite impressed and baffled at the same time, honestly. it just seems so much harder now to quit, than the other times. And I know when I quit before, I was pregnant, but even then. I didn't have the cravings like I do now. I had them, but they were never this intense, nor this frequent.

I have been trying to busy my mind with blogging, and I suppose I'm not so bad. I'm watching movies more, to keep my mind off from wandering. I would like to start reading again. I know I have such a hard time to discipline myself to read, but when I set my mind to focusing long enough, I quite enjoy reading. I love those moments when you get swept away and find yourself lost in the book, and you just can't seem to put the book down.

The weather has been warming up nicely lately. I think it would be nice to actually start getting out there more, and starting to get some walking done. I miss walking honestly. I miss being able to get out there with someone, and get see the sights. One of the things I miss most about Vancouver. There was always some where to go, and always something to sea. Not have the same wide spread luxuries here..

I would like to move back to Vancouver, Eventually. I think once i start getting myself back into the swing of things, it will be well passed due to look into finishing my education. look into the possibilities that can lead me to greater things, because I'm completely unhappy with allowing myself to continue like this for so long. I won't make excuses, i won't justify it, but I also won't deny the realities in which I lived. None of it was easy, and Now I'm here. I'm ready to start taking those steps forward. So forward I shall go. One baby step at a time.

I still have my struggles. I still find myself picking myself up from being "emo" and forcing a smile, and a laugh, so no one will see the hurt & confusion. Maybe its time to just put it to rest, and see what happens ... I allow these problems to get the best of me, and in the end, they end up being for nothing, and I'm the only one who's left standing, hurt... I dwell on situations too often, and Its just time to lay it to rest, and not let it bother me anymore. Now my only question is.. How does one go about putting something to rest? when something has been a constant thought, concern and worry for so long, it seems as if it becomes habit to dwell on. It becomes a part of your daily routines. Its almost as if it becomes a part of who you are, if that even makes any sense.

I want to be happy. And to some extent, I am happy. But with this happiness, comes a great sadness that I cannot describe. There's a mix of realities possibilities, then there's the cold realization of what's possible and not possible at this moment. What does one do when they're faced with this.? How does one decide what is the best path choice?

I have another appointment with another counselor again. Tuesday I meet with her, and I'm fairly excited about it, so, I'm really hoping that this works out between her and I. because speaking to someone, and having somewhere there to help guide you through, or help you see different possibilities is encouraging in many ways. it helps me feel at peace, because I can hold on to the positive.. And I don't continue to sink into a rut.

It may not seem like a lot to many, all these changes I'm finally moving forward to make again. But at the same time, they are some of the biggest steps I've dared to take in so long. I've allowed my pains, fears and sorrows to rule my life for too long again. I think there's a greater part of me that's forgotten what life truly is about. And I'd love to find that again.

So here's looking forward to Tuesday

No Smoking!

I decided about 40 hours ago, I would attempt to quit smoking. Since I was down to my last 2 cigarettes, and I really didnt want to run out to get more, I figure, lets see how I can do with this quitting Cold Turkey again.

I have quit just like that before. But then again, those were times I was pregnant, so its a bit different this time around. I finished my last one, 36 hours ago to this hour. I did ask to roll a smoke, i ended up rolling 3. I figure, if I can keep holding off on the smokes, even with them right in front of me, thats pretty damn impressive.

So far! So good, 36 hours with no smokes, and many close calls, but I've refrained from smoking still.. and need to find something else that will occupy my mind, as I get through the next four or five days without smoking.

Once I pass the five day mark with no smoking, I'm hoping that I will be in the clear and the urges will have subsided a lot and it won't be so hard to get through a day and a night without smoking!

Well.. Now.. All this talking about not smoking, sure makes me want to have a smoke! geez! I suppose its time to find something to distract myself! Wish me luck !

Undecided Paths....

As the saying goes Listen to your heart I've been trying to find the answer to my question for some time now. and no matter how many times i go back and forth with it, i still can't seem to come to a final decision, or at least not one I can carry through with.

I think it's even more stupid, because the choice has already been chosen. whats stopping me? wishful thinking? the desire to dream, to hope? the fear of something ending again? fear of having to admit once again, I failed..?

Listen to my heart. Listen to reason. What happens when your heart tells you 2 different somethings... and the logic only becomes a voice that you wish to tune out?
What happens when one of the only things you want, becomes something you cannot have?

..... you know... I honestly just do not have the words to reason this out.... I've spent days & weeks, to find my peace in a decision, and there is still nothing. Maybe its just time for sleep.. and "tomorrow" will just be another day where the thoughts and feelings haunt me again.

She's An Eagle When She Flies

Tears streamed down my cheeks, as I watched Lovely Bones... I don't know what I would do, if I was ever faced in a situation where I had to face one of my life's greatest fears.

Losing a Child, is something a parent shouldn't never go through. And I think back to when I was younger. I would hear my Mother, from time to time, sharing the same fear. Having to lose one of your children. And I never quite understood then. I hadn't even suffered the pain of having lost anyone close to me. I experienced the pain of others, as I sat quietly.

I remember attending many funerals at a young age. And even though it pained me to see my Aunt, or Mother weep at the losses through the years, I never quite understood the impact one goes through after having lost someone so dear.

I first experienced the deepest pains of death when I was Sixteen years old. I lost My Grandmother, she lost the battle of Cancer after 3 years. It was a very tragic experience for me. I remembering sitting with her, not wanting to leave. I remember sitting at the end of her bedside, in the Hospital Family Unit.. I remember watching her take her last breath. I remember sitting there, not one word spoken. And i just knew, that was her last breath. I remember silently looking around, and seeing My Grandfather turning his head towards her, and his only words were "I think this is it" Those words alone, were the most painful words I had heard at that point in my life. I remember still silent, wishing it weren't true, wishing to wake up from this nightmare.

My Grandfather, A man I had never seen shed a tear in my life, broke down, he hung his head, and hid his face in his hands as he wept. My whole world came to a crashing halt. I finally understood the horrific pains of having lost someone who i loved dearly. My Grandmother. A woman who I thought the world of. Someone who I greatly loved and admired, even if I did not realize the truth of that. She was my Grandmother, She was the woman I never thought I'd ever lose. As ridiculous as that may sound, I built up this image of her. I remember at a young age, My cousins and I enjoyed watching this T.V. Show called "Super Gran" We all laughed and joked about Our Gran, being Super Gran. And from that moment on, that's who my Grandmother was. And I just never counted on having to say good-bye.

Saying good bye does not get any easier. its been 13 years since she left us, and in that time, I have lost many others in my life, and it terrifies me to think, it will happen again. I wish I can take the hands of time, and just freeze the moment, so i can enjoy every moment I share with my family and friends. I wish I can wake myself up when I was 15, even for a few hours, so I can spend the day with those I miss so dearly. I wish I could hear their voices, just once more.

In my head, I can almost come to memory, and hear each of their voices, their laugh, and I try so hard, to hear, just once more, but no matter how hard I try to hear that voice, just once more, I can't, it seems to distant, and I'm disappointed in myself for forgetting.

I find myself crying often, in fear of losing another. I fear the phone ringing again, and it will be again, more tragic news. I think back to my Daughters, so beautiful, so full of life, and I break down. It terrifies me that something tragic will happen to my precious angels, and the fear in me wonders, how would I ever be able to get through something such as that? I wouldn't be able to. And its then, that I remember my Mother's words "No parent should bury their child"... I get it... I Understand now. I have two of the most amazing girls any Parent can dream of, and I cannot fathom life after such a tragedy. I know I should not think these things. Nothing will happen.

I'm a Mother, fighting to find her Children again, to bring them back where they belong, in my arms. So the fear is natural. I would imagine its natural. You do not know where your children are. Not knowing where one is, would be bad enough, I'm 27, and have two missing children. My world is at a halt, my heart is empty and black. Please watch over my children, please keep them safe, and please, please bring them back to me where they belong.

This Song

Once in awhile, I come across a song that will stop everything, and bring tears to my eyes. And it will speaks words that I seem to lack.

There's a constant sadness that lurks every move I make, and I wonder, how is it that a person's life can be so sorrow filled. What have I done to deserve such heart break. It never seems ending, and constant reminders of what pains me most is at every corner.

Insecurities, fears, and irrationalism find their way in my thoughts. Most of the people who "know me" may actually be surprised to hear of how bad things may be. I look at myself, and I'm completely unhappy. I'm unhappy with myself, and I'm happy with my life. I look at myself and I hate what I see. Or maybe it's I hate what I no longer see..?

Its hard finding someone you can completely open yourself up to. Maybe that's not it at all. Maybe it's just fear of not feeling as if you will be understood.. I have my moments where I turn to some outside support I have been receiving for 3 years now, and I walk away feeling as if everything makes sense, I have a sense of direction again, and I feel amazing.. But to my disappointment, those feelings never last.

beep beep beep.... beep beep beep... beep beep beep. 3 new messages..... .... suddenly, a smile....

....... oh fuck it! I was distracted and can no longer focus on what it was i was trying to write. It was a great distraction. so I will take this "better feeling" for how ever long it will last before the sadness lurks in and swallows me whole.