This Song

Once in awhile, I come across a song that will stop everything, and bring tears to my eyes. And it will speaks words that I seem to lack.

There's a constant sadness that lurks every move I make, and I wonder, how is it that a person's life can be so sorrow filled. What have I done to deserve such heart break. It never seems ending, and constant reminders of what pains me most is at every corner.

Insecurities, fears, and irrationalism find their way in my thoughts. Most of the people who "know me" may actually be surprised to hear of how bad things may be. I look at myself, and I'm completely unhappy. I'm unhappy with myself, and I'm happy with my life. I look at myself and I hate what I see. Or maybe it's I hate what I no longer see..?

Its hard finding someone you can completely open yourself up to. Maybe that's not it at all. Maybe it's just fear of not feeling as if you will be understood.. I have my moments where I turn to some outside support I have been receiving for 3 years now, and I walk away feeling as if everything makes sense, I have a sense of direction again, and I feel amazing.. But to my disappointment, those feelings never last.

beep beep beep.... beep beep beep... beep beep beep. 3 new messages..... .... suddenly, a smile....

....... oh fuck it! I was distracted and can no longer focus on what it was i was trying to write. It was a great distraction. so I will take this "better feeling" for how ever long it will last before the sadness lurks in and swallows me whole.