been awhile....

well.. its been awhile, once again since i wrote anything in here.. I thought about writing a few times now, but honestly.. just really tired of writing.

Yesterday was rather eventful. I've been getting myself out there walking daily now, at least for a few hours a day. Been feeling a lot better with myself. Which is nice, since it was desperately needed.

well.. today .. yesterday rather, started out as a nice day, I planned to head up to the trails, then realized that may not be one of the best ideas. with the mud and all.
I made a pit stop in one of the stores, and checked out some perfumes, mmmmmm...
by the time i got outta the store, I noticed the stupid black clouds rolling in, and the wind was getting pretty bad.. so home I went!

I cut through the school field, and ended up falling through the snow.. didn't seem like much of an issue, i managed to get out fairly easy. Knee was a bit sore on the walk home, nothing too dreadful.

I fell asleep for awhile, woke up with some serious pain, Muscles have been pulled, knee is swelling, and my knee is feeling pretty stiff at the moment.

Not much of an ideal day for me. I found humor in it as it happened. I was also recording a video when I fell through. watched it, thought it was comical in a sense.. Well.. NOT ANY more... ouch !

Gonna be off my feet for awhile. Thankfully its the weekend, and I'm hoping by Monday, things will be well enough again.

My life's weakness

I feel weak... i feel as if I'm going to be sick.. I can feel the panic in me taking over, I cannot seem to stop shaking. I can only stop crying long enough to wipe away the tears, only for fresh tears to fall down my face.

Why did I have to check my email? I hate checking my email, I'm always in fear of finding that one email. It terrifies me at the thought of finding one, but to log in and see a new message awaiting from Dave.

Even something as simple as a possible act of kindness can send my world crashing down, he wants my address. My address so he can send me some of my personal belongings he found. Should I trust it? I have every reason to be in fear, and not trust it.

This is the man who tore my heart out multiple times, and are holding my children hostage, this is a man who ripped my children away from me, and fled the province, a man who hates me, is angry and has very little care for me or my family. Why should I trust his intentions, no matter how kind they are?

I don't have a lawyer yet. I still have had no word from legal services on being able to locate a lawyer for me, I'm not ready for court, I'm not ready to face him in court yet. If he's planning to take legal action, it could be devastating to my plans, it could be disastrous just as my last court appearance this past summer.

On the flip side, I will have his address then. But its still not enough at the price of not being prepared to meet in courts. I do hope, this out reach from him, is truly an attempt at an act of kindness. But who can blame me for questioning it? I'm doing the right thing, I hope, in protecting myself and even though it will take longer, I believe this is in the best interest for myself.

.... I am doing the right thing, right?

Tangled up in you

well well... things have been busy and tiring the last few days, which would explain the lack of posts.

Still haven't heard from Hazelton regarding a lawyer for myself. I did speak with the lady, and she had already put in a few calls already to a few lawyers within town here. which is actually confusing, since I didn't think there was a family lawyer within town..? or at least that's what I was told last summer. Perhaps there's been a change in that since?

I actually don't have anything I want to say... anything I need to say, rather. Writing about the things I've been going through have been beneficial, in ways that will help me try and make sense of the situation, so if I'm down, I'll write.

Writing has always helped relax me, get my thoughts together, and I could do it without feeling judged, because there is no one here to judge me. I'm sure everyone has felt some of this, at the very least once or twice. Most just aren't as open with it, I suppose.

I would like to keep writing often though, because honestly, I don't like the idea of writing just for the reason that i'm down. I'd like to be able to look back one day and remember the better parts as well. I suppose we all should be doing that.

Its easier to look down upon the worst, yet for some reason, not many of us embrace the beauty of the days when we have great moments or a great day, maybe simply for someone smiling at us, or saying hello, or having that great cup of coffee you've been craving.

Ah yes, Tomorrow I'm getting my coffee, I wanted to go today, but now I'm just tired, and its getting colder, so tomorrow it is.
I want to start walking more again. I need to find the motivation to kick my ass in gear for that one. Need to stop making excuses to not go. or tell myself its such a drag walking here.

I love walking, I enjoy it, I love being "out" so I'm going to start forcing myself to get back into walking now that winter is coming to an end. It'll be nice and refreshing ...

I came across a song, that I completely fell in love with. Its a soothing, relaxing, song, that just seems to hit you. well. alright, at least me. I love his voice! xx

Another day done

Well, I think its safe to say, I'm over my "pity party" phase. I swear, if anyone is reading this, they'll think I'm an Emotional basket case. If you do, don't worry, I've had to stop myself and really think about that too.

I've started getting things in order, I've decided its time to stop feeling sorry for myself, and stop wishing things to happen. I can't expect it all to happen on its own, but come on, lets face it, the idea is nice, right?

But no, I have to make it happen, and I have to stop living on the hopes and dreams, its time i start accepting my reality, and stop hiding from it. I know I can do this, maybe not going off of my strengths, rather my stubbornness.

There still remain 4 things, Alright, lets say 5 things in this life that I want at this moment. Everything is in question right now, and its just something i need to accept, rather then beating myself down.

I'm tired of losing myself to the darker side of myself. My thoughts become completely irrational, I hurt myself constantly through the nights and days, thoughts won't stop, fears take over, and I always live through the worst of things, without them even happening, I question myself all the time, and my worth, because of past mistakes.

Its such a dark, lonely place to be.. Not somewhere I want to be. Thankfully, despite my past feelings, and beliefs, I am stronger than I give myself credit for. Just sometimes, I lose that faith in myself, but with everything I've been going through, who can honestly blame me?

Things are going well so far.. two days filled with getting things set up and moving again. So far, I'm off to a good start, and this start, is where I will stay, and let it progress slowly and move on as time goes on ..

Im feeling good, I'm feeling happy, I'm some what hopeful, and slowly moving out of where ever it was that i was

No one's what they appear to be

I'm starting to learn, some of the worst moments in my life can be a blessing in disguise. And I know I've sat around feeling sorry for myself for too long. Especially in the last few weeks, because I was caught up in the fears, the memories and the sadness of everything that has happened and happening.

I'm probably one of the worst who will make up excuses, and who will allow my pain & fears control me. For as long as I can remember, I've been a very troubled girl. Just like everyone, I have my own personal battles. I fall often, and I talk myself down. I let everything bad get the best of me.

Why does my life suck? why can't I just be happy? What did I do that was so terribly wrong for all these horrible things to keep happening. These are just a few of some of the most painful questions that run through my head. Other times, my lack of self confidence drowns me in a pool of misery.

Many people who know me, do not see the real me, they don't understand the pain I feel each and every day, throughout the entire day, I've perfected being able to mask the sadness & the tears with a laugh, or a smile. I hide my weaknesses with the illusion that I didn't care.

I've spent the last 3 years working towards getting myself well. And for the most part, I think i've done real damn well in accomplishing this. I never let it go to my head though. I know there is still so much i need to focus on and work on.


-You push them away, hurt them and make them feel like shit. Then, you keep asking " why does my life suck no one cares about me". Its not that no one does, you just make people feel horrible for caring.

These were spoken to me a few days back now..and honestly, I cannot blame the person for saying this. I can't argue the statement, nor do I want to justify it. I can't. so I won't. I do this.. I know I do. I've known for years now, this is what I do. Its not someting I purposely do, its not something I willfully do...

More often then not, I will find myself struggling, fighting with myself against how I feel, and what I know. Maybe some people would be surprised to learn just how deep my personal insecurities will go. But they are there. I feel as if everything that goes wrong, is my fault. Perhaps that's from being blamed for a lot of things growing up. I was an extremely sensitive child. and very timid.

The life style and family history from both sides are tragic ones, filled with Residential schools, Wars, & Alcoholism. I don't blame my family for the wrongs they may have done. I finally know now, we're only able to give what we have, and succeed with what we know. Which you would think to be common sense, but through the eyes of a child, its not so common.

I have many sad stories that could lead up to contributing to the struggles I have today. I don't resent them, I don't hate them, I'm not angry because of them. Because eventually, I know the road will rise up to meet me, and I will be a better, stronger person for this.

I'm grateful for those who have stood by me, I'm thankful for those who believed in me when I could not. And I'm terribly sorry for those who I pushed away, shut out, or hurt. I have no excuses, I will not justify my actions or anything I've said. Its not easy, going through what I am either. I don't seek pity, I don't seek hurt..

I know many of the thoughts I've been having are completely ridiculous, and I'm only bringing it upon myself, but it still doesn't change that this is how i feel. I'm not stupid. I know these are just things that are manifested from my pain, my hurt, fears and insecurities.

I'm not gonna sit around anymore. I can't afford to. I can't afford to waste my time in letting the fear and hurt guide me. I need my life back, and I deserve it. I deserve to move on, I deserve to be happy. I know I can be... It just takes time, patience and work... I do feel some what ashamed that I can slip so far down into that dark, lonely hole, that can cripple a person. But I still do. I'm only human... I make mistakes, I learn from them, and I move on. Its time to stop telling myself I can't. Or I'm too scared, Its time to stop making excuses ... I don't enjoy it, I never have, and I've been aware of all this since my late teens. and here I am. about 10 years later, still struggling to get it right.

I Will Never Forget

Valentines Day some how managed to quickly creep up on me, yet.... at the same time, it feels like it took enternity for this day to come.

I am not happy, I am far from happy. I have been filled with memories, both good and bad in the last few weeks as the days drew near. The memories do not leave my mind. The empty, dark, lonely feeling does not leave my heart.

I remember the days I was happy. I remember the days my life made sense. I remember when I felt as if I had a purpose. Tears fall down my cheeks & I wish I could have even just some of that sense of stability back.

I'm not exactly sure why it is this day bothers me, when the last 3 years have not so much as mattered. But this year, does. Logically, I cannot come up with a reason. My thoughts are still scattered, my heart feels dark & heavy.

8 years ago, I celebrated my first Valetines Anniversary with a man who I loved more than I could express. I know, I know, its some what corny, and we always kinda laughed at it ourselves, but it was still our day, and we loved each other immensely.

We had our troubles, the odds were against us from the start. But love carried us through. Through the pain, the tears, and the heart breaks, one thing always remained, and that was our love for each other.

He loved me, just as much as I loved him, I had no doubt, and when doubt creeped in, I would looked into his eyes, and every doubt I may have had, melted away.

When two people end their marriage, most times, everyone around you that knew you both, will only see the bad... People find it to be their oppertunity to tell you he/she wasn't good for you, perhaps it is best this way.

Friends & Family will be by your side, to help you through the tears, pain & sadness. And for awhile, everything seems to be 'normal', you've started getting yourself back on track, and you're making a life style change.. hopefully its for the better. Well.. in my case, I've invested three years into changing and bettering myself.

For awhile, I thought I was doing well. Even through the pain of still wanting him. I missed him, and still loved him. I lived on hopes & dreams that one day, we could once again be together. As time slowly went by, I learned to accept the reality, and the possibility that Dave & I will no longer be Dave & I again. Time marched on, and my emotions started changing, my thoughts began to change.

I finally seen just what everyone told me previously, This is probably for the best. It was a hard pill to swallow. I mean, how could it not be? I invested 5 years with this man, I gave up my Friends & my Family to be with him, I stood by him faithfully has he battled his mental illness. I gave him everything I had...

I don't regret the years together, I don't regret giving up my life to be with him. despite the pain and sorrow, I did love him, and he did make me happy. Problem was, we had our own personal baggage that helped crumble our relationship & our family.

It was just one of those tragic love stories I suppose. If we had the strength to face our own issues, and work at bettering ourselves then, We would have a happy, healthy life together. We would still be a family, We would still have each other.

For years, I have shared stories, tears and heartaches from my life with Dave. Today, on Valentines Day, a day that SHOULD have been our 8th Anniversary, I remember the love we once shared. I could tell you just as many heart warming stories as I could share in the bad.

I still love him. & I miss so many of the times we shared together. I miss my Best Friend. Because thats who he was, He was my Best Friend. Even if you do not understand, this is how I feel. I cannot hate, I cannot blame. I do not regret, and I will never forget.

The Reality is..

I messed up, I messed up really bad, and I feel nothing. I'm empty, I'm beyond tears. nothing hurts anymore, and all I can do is sit, shake my head and tell myself, this is just what happens when I give a shit. Its what happens when i actually dare to care, love and wish.

I can't express myself properly without it blowing up in my face right now. Everything I try saying, comes out all wrong, and I don't even know the difference because I can't seem to function properly right now.

People ask me how I'm feeling, & when I was as honest as I fear to be, it fell apart right before my eyes. I haven't written in my blog for days, because I can't seem to get anything out, and any time i managed anything, my mind told me no, that's just screwed up, it doesn't make sense, and I don't wanna admit to all that shit.

The only person who I've been able to be completely honest with, wants nothing to do with me, and I have no one to blame but my self.

Some of my greatest fears are acknowledging my insecurities, my fears & darkest thoughts & feelings. When I get to this state of mind, my thoughts always fall back to my life that I spent with Dave. The years of torment I endured.. The years of tears I spilled because I was young, and I was completely inexperienced when it came to living with someone with a mental illness.

I take notice to the similarities of myself & Dave, and it terrifies me to no end that perhaps there is something seriously wrong with me. Can I really be that messed up? Is that something that I would be willing to admit to?

I'm forever desperately reaching for logic through my irrationalism, because unlike many people who walk this Earth with deep troublesome lives, I know where my faults lie. I know what I do to protect myself because I honestly cannot deal with the hurt. My heart is soft, and my heart is sensitive. Its not made to hurt, its made to love.

I accept the responsibilities to my wrong doings. Many don't realize who I truly am underneath the laughs, the smiles, & the jokes. My heartaches, and some of the darkest, loneliest, most desperate thoughts & fears swim through my mind.

I beat myself up because I have spent years struggling to over come these irrational, crippling thoughts & fears. I have put myself through support groups & self help programs, I have seen many counselors, and life coaches. I spent years observing my mother's hard efforts with her career of being a counselor.

I know how I feel, and i fight myself through the entire day wishing these feelings would just disappear. Its as though I have an angel and a devil perched on my shoulders...

I know many of my fears are irrational, I know there is no justifying the hurt i may cause people. I don't blame & I don't want to hurt anyone. I will sooner put on a smile, and laugh the tears away then to tell someone how I truly feel. Because I tell myself, how can they possibly understand. How can they help?

I'm scared to honestly open up to anyone, because I don't want to lose anyone again. But I have to laugh, because I do anyway, there is always one person who I end up hurting, and I have no one to blame but myself.

- You push them away, hurt them and make them feel like shit. Then, you keep asking " why does my life suck no one cares about me". Its not that no one does, you just make people feel horrible for caring.

Was one thing that was said to me earlier last night. And I broke down and cried, because everything in that paragraph is true. I learned years ago, this is what I do.

Not because I want to, not because I want to be a bitch, but because I live in fear of something greater happening if I allow someone to care. I know I'm not perfect, I know I screw up, I know I can make some of the worst choices based on my fears and insecurities. I don't expect anyone to understand...

I tell myself, no one cares, I tell myself there's no possible way anything great can be real, because I'm scared to believe in something real. I'm scared to let the good in, it has nothing to do with not wanting it, I'm truly scared that if I do, that will be another loss i have to soon deal with.

So the darker side of me drills it into my mind that I was a fool to believe in something, to wish for something, to dare to want something greater.

I'm aware of this. and someone may feel I sit here, feeling sorry for myself, and asking myself, why does my life suck? Thats where I have to say, You are wrong.
I'm fighting myself every second of the way, telling myself, to snap outta of it, because this isn't so. I know where my faults lie, and I do not take them lightly.

If there is one thing, anyone can truly understand about me is, I don't blame anyone anymore for the misery in my life. I don't blame people because I've been able to convince myself no one cares ...

I'm insecure, I'm scared, I'm hurt, and in so many ways, I'm still a child and when I can calm myself long enough to take a look at my feelings, I can break it down and look at my situation at every possible angle on a sensible philosophical approach..

Yesterday was a really bad day, and I completely fell apart... I met for a second time yesterday, my new counselor, Christine. I was forced to focus in on some of the worst moments of my life, past, present and future. I was emotionally drained and couldn't cope..

For days, my mind has been buried in a clouded fog. my eyes are vacant, there is no real smile, my heart has been aching and tears always streaming down my face...
I am walking through my days in a haze, and it scares me, because I've been through this once before, and the pain is so severe...

I don't feel anything right now. I'm numb...

Get used to it already !

Once again, I feel as though I have once again, successfully screwed everything up. For months, I have been fighting to find a way to "Let go" ... for months i have been beating myself up to "move on" ...

I don't know how. I don't know what I'm left to do. Everything in me, and everything in front of me tells me, I have to let him go. I have to smile and walk away. And that's hurting me more than I could ever even begin to describe.

I love him. And I've considered my feelings. I've considered the reality. I love him. I love him so much, I would give up everything, to take a chance. ... Almost, I would almost give up everything. I have two girls on this Earth, who mean everything to me. There is nothing on this Earth that will make me give up my Children. I will not ever turn my back and walk away from them. Even if it meant my life.

I know, that if it were not for those two girls, I wouldn't have a problem walking away. Even if by some chance, it never would have worked if we had an honest, decent chance at making something. At least I could have walked away and moved on with my life KNOWING, I took that chance. A chance that scares the hell out of me. I could have known....

I love him. and its killing me knowing I need to walk away. How does someone willingly walk away from something so real like this?! Its making me angry, its making me bitter.. Its reinforcing every fear I've had because of what the outcome would be.

We couldn't be together. I knew the impossibilities of what our reality was, but I still let my guard down, and I allowed my heart to go. Why do people tell you to listen to your heart. I listened to my heart, look at what its gotten me.

I don't regret him. I don't regret any of the relationship, before and after. But I do feel as if this is my fault... I feel like I've just let myself down once again. and I feel as though I may have let him down too.. If I actually do matter, the way he says I do.

I am pretty screwed up, Aren't I?! I can't truly believe anyone, not because i have so little faith in humanity. I have no faith in life. I have no faith in myself, so how could anyone truly care about me!? Why the hell would I matter?! I look into the mirror every day, and I'm completely disgusted.. And I'm sad, because at the same time, I don't see anything. I don't see anyone of worth.

....... I'm mad...I'm sad.... I'm scared... I'm hurt... Im very, very hurt. ... This is just my life. Right? Get used to the pain.?! get used to the disappointment.?! get used to the god damn heart break already. ?!!